Taking the Stone

Episode Report Card
Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now!
Everybody Must Get Stoned

A Prowler zips toward a planet. Echoing my thoughts precisely, Aeryn bellows, "That little TRALK!" and storms around the bridge. Crichton says -- rather stupidly, I think -- that they don't know that Chiana stole Aeryn's Prowler. "It's gone, isn't it, Crichton?" Aeryn points out, stalking back and forth like a caged beast. Pilot comments mildly that he didn't immediately detect Chiana's departure because several of his control systems have been offline. I believe there's a rebuke for Crichton somewhere in there. Whenever Pilot's at his mildest, he's also at his most passive-aggressive. As Aeryn bitches about how far away Chiana could be by now, D'Argo and Zhaan walk in. D'Argo flips the red disk to Crichton and tells him it has Chiana's blood all over it. If this were a different show, Crichton would suck it all off. Actually, this IS that kind of show, but Crichton isn't Scorpy and the disk isn't Crichton's neural chip all gooed up with gray matter. Zhaan explains that the mysterious device is known as a "life disk," and some species implant these things in themselves to create a permanent life-link between them and someone close to them. After Crichton wonders why Chiana would take it out, Zhaan explains that whomever the life disk was linked to is dead. The life disk has stopped functioning, stopped beating. People, you're going to hate me, but because Chiana was never really one of my favorite characters and because at this point I really couldn't stand her and wished she had never come on the show, I sort of have no sympathy for her in this episode. I do grow to appreciate her but I never really love her. Especially not after killing the DRD and all that crap with Jothee. So, as a warning to hearty Chi-lovers -- abandon all squishy feelings, ye who enter here. Or just, you know, stop reading. Crichton sighs guiltily, explaining how he blew her off.

Above the surface of a rocky planet, a peevishly yellow lightning storm flashes. Chiana cowers under the wing of the landed Prowler and attempts to talk herself out of being scared. Lightning flashes again, and Chiana catches glimpses of freaks jumping in and out of hiding. Telling them to stop "pleeking" around, she demands they show themselves. Granting her wish, two male humanoids with Cirque du Soiled body paint encroach on her personal space and make appreciative growling noises. Another one caterwauls and leaps into sight and as the lightning flashes yet again, his dilated eyes with striated contacts are illuminated. Does anyone ever wonder whether Rockne invested heavily in Bausch & Lomb? We also see that he's not so timidly gnawing on some fringy mushrooms. SHROOOOOOMS! God, I wish I had a psychedelic risotto full of those babies right now -- it would make this recap so much more pleasant. Craning his head from side to side in a manner not unlike Chiana's hideously annoying tic in those first few episodes of hers, the new arrival -- since he's on the thick side, I'll call him Porkini until they grace us with his actual name -- pulls out a rusty ice pick and whispers, "Sweet nixar, let's mark her." He flings himself at Chiana, and her horrified scream leads us into the can-I-please-just-die-now-so-I-never-have-to-hear-the-remix theme song. Again, not mustering up any feelings of sympathy for Chiana at this point. As far as I'm concerned, this is what you get when you steal from Aeryn. Steal her Prowler, you end up on a dead planet with Haight-Ashbury types. Steal her brush, you end up not having a head to use it on.

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