Taking the Stone

Episode Report Card
Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now!
Everybody Must Get Stoned

Seeking out the boyfriend, Crichton turns to a tripping Stoner: "Yo, Bob Marley, you seen Molnon?" Guess not. The Stoner moves on down the corridor without looking at Crichton or this Bob Marley person. Once again, someone is following Crichton in a loud, mouth-breatherly sort of way. Crichton takes a stealth step backwards and grabs the cloaked person out of the shadows. It's a woman, and she pleads with him, "No! Please, don't!" Crichton touches something weird on her painted skin and snatches his hand back. He goes slo-mo for a second, like her skin is psychedelic. Crichton asks the leprotic one why she's been following him. "You old. Still you live," she says. Her name is Janixx, and she tells Crichton all the Stoners come down with her brand of leprosy if they turn twenty-two and don't take the stone. The young Stoners don't like to be reminded what happens if they grow old -- if you ask me, I'd think that would just be a further incentive for them to get on with their suicides -- so the leprotic ones get lost. They are the Lost People Das spoke of. "Das said he know why this happen. He said cliff have answer," Janixx babbles. Do the Lost People lose their subject-verb agreement along with their skin tone? Because if so, I don't really blame the young Stoners for not wanting them around. Too much of that would get annoying. Crichton tries to figure out what she's talking about, but Janixx says "must stay lost" and leaves. No argument here. Crichton pulls something from his skin, and we get a flashback to his hand grazing Janixx's lesions. He looks intently at what I can only describe at this point as one of Janixx's detached scabs. And THAT definitely calls for another freaking drink.

Confronting Molnon, Crichton tells him he's found out his dirty secret. Molnon is "pushing" twenty-two, so the end is nigh, whether he Takes the Stone or not. Molnon smiles and shakes a finger at him, saying he's been talking to the Lost People. Crichton smiles and notes that it's easy to jump when you know you're going to die. He gets serious quickly: "Chiana's not going to die. Why drag her into this?" Instead of answering, Molnon holds up a bunch of mushrooms and says, "Three lobes gets you high, one gets you dead. Never know which one." So, do you eat all four? I'm confused. So is Crichton, but instead of worrying about the math, he grabs at Molnon and Cool Hand Lukes, "Are we having a failure to communicate here?" Molnon -- much like Alice's caterpillar -- refuses to talk to Crichton unless he eats some mushroom. Crichton bites one of the stalks and steps back. Molnon waits, getting orgasmic. Crichton moves his head and feels sorta funny. I thought you needed three to get you high. Oh, I see: of the four, three single ones will get you high and the other will kill you. Okay, up to speed now. I'd rather be on speed, but we can't have everything. Crichton falls down. Molnon leaps forward and explains, "The only thing worth having is a narl and I want one. And I'm scared that if next I Take the Stone it claims me, so Chiana takes my place. She Takes the Stone." SO CONFUSED! Is Molnon saying the only thing worth having is a baby? And how can the Stone know if Chiana is jumping for Molnon if they are all supposed to jump eventually anyway? Or is it that one of the clan has to die every year to keep their population down? The only thing worse than a dumb episode is a dumb episode that I can't figure out! How dumb does that make me? Crichton pants and slobbers at Molnon to leave Chiana out of this. "She wants to flyyyy!" Molnon laughs. "I tell you truth." Yep, he's getting old, dropping his articles like dentures in a glass. Crichton says he's going to tell Chiana the truth and then goes all fuzzy. Molnon tells him he won't remember. And then Crichton totally trips out into some Stooge imitations.

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