That Old Black Magic

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
When We First Took The Pill

"Ah...dried gavork," Zhaan gushes over Bad Boyfriend's gavork, which she pronounces quite aromatic. "Oh, I've never seen such quality!" That's what she said. Dude's name is Liko and he's just totally honored by this compliment from a Delvian Pa'u. "Twelfth level, are you?" She preens: "Only ninth, I'm afraid." If that's in crazy-person years, then yes. He says ninth is impressive enough. He tells her to watch out with the Trellon oil -- not because it's toxic, but because it's a "sensual stimulant" -- "Enriches the conjugal experience." Oh, gross me out. I mean, that's what's going on here, Zhaan's always had a sex/death thing going, as we'll learn, but do we have to watch these people doing this? Because while the actors are both very attractive, right this second one of them is PURPLE and the other one is BLUE and they are both dressed in RAGS and they are acting like FREAKS. "You can vouch for this personally?" She somehow manages a half-decent wolf whistle using just the muscles in her cheeks and eyes. "Yes, though it was some time ago," he says. (Deleted: He's all, wanna try it? And she's all, I've never even had champagne before, and then they make creepy faces at each other.) Oh, just do it. This kind of foreplay leads to cruelty and also a rumbling in the tummy.

John asks Haloth how far this "wishing" thing can go. "Alas, I cannot transport you back to Earth, or act as guide or compass to that end." John confirms that he just said that shit, and Haloth...takes an abrupt turn left. "You are a fugitive pursued by Crais, who bears a dark desire for revenge although you did not seek his brother's death." This sounds like a fabulous party.

Speaking of, welcome to Crais's Fabulous Command Carrier, where the Marauders are coming in to refuel and then going right the hell back out again, or else. "Captain, the Marauders have been on continuous patrol," says Crazy Hot Lieutenant Orn, First Class. The pilots are so fatigued that it would be dangerous to launch..." And Crais is like, "You know what's dangerous? Stepping on my shit." Yes, sir. They all run around and do PK stuff and then there's a "priority communication from High Command."

John asks Haloth to let Crais know that killing his brother was an accident, because that would be super-cool and then they could be friends. Haloth's like, "But then he wouldn't be chasing you all ass-over-teakettle and having 'vengeful thirst'"! Um, correct. "My talents can provide you with the means." John is excited about the idea of having a little confab with Crais, and Haloth's like, "Rock and roll," and disappears before John can ask him the obvious questions you should always ask the crazy wizard, like, "Is this going to be some kind of murder-spree," or "Do you validate?"

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