Farscape
Twice Shy

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Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Kiss Of The Spider Woman

Talikaa approaches D'Argo in a corridor and he yells at her. "What are you doing here? I told you to stay in Chiana's quarters." She snits at him, in monstervision. "I don't have to listen to you. No one else does. Nobody listens to you. They listen to Crichton, but not to you." He does not even have time for that shit: "Get back to those quarters or I will throw you off this ship myself." Talikaa smiles and watches him run off, slamming into Sikozu hard as he goes. She and Noranti stare at Talikaa, who looks back for a second before wandering off. Oh man, do I want to see Sikozu and Talikaa face off. Like Sikozu would start telling the truth about shit and be all, "I can start fires with my hands, I can float short distances into the air, I'm some kind of spy for somebody but also somebody else, and my arms and legs come off like a He-Man. My hair is going to look super-shitty in 'The Peacekeeper Wars.' Also, my eyeballs go like this!"

Scorpius's cooling rod brain thing is like a circus ride now, or a spice rack. Lots of rods on a spinning wheel, which contract back into the thing that goes into his brain. This always troubles me on many levels. All the rods in the thing are red, and Sikozu's spinning them. "Noranti seems to think that everyone is acting very strangely," says Sikozu. "HOW CAN YOU TELL?" says everybody. The mechanism stops spinning and Scorpius asks what she thinks about it all. She does...things...with the thing...and says everybody's agitated. "Unusually emotional...everyone except Aeryn." The rods turn blue. "She's colder than usual." The things go back in his head where they belong, as he hisses and acts creepy: "She wills herself against emotions. Like any good soldier." Like any good liar.

Scorpius approaches John's quarters and is privy to a show we've only seen like a hundred times; this time it's ugly. "You. On the table. Right now," says Chiana, straddling John and pushing him down. Chiana's like the strongest person this week because everybody's out of it. Her fake horniness will not be denied! She's like your boyfriend on the way out of Brokeback Mountain. Kind of cute, kind of a scary little surprise party in the middle of the evening. (...And that's how beer was invented. Also fraternities.) "Yo, what's gotten into you?!" John tries to resist! But her gay panic is too powerful! "Nothing, yet." She laughs and pushes him down and leans over him. She moves her head around his face, trying to kiss him. "Oh, okay. I just figured out what you need," John laughs, and boy does she get wriggly at that one, "you need a cold shower." Ding, try again. Chiana leans way back, keeping herself strapped in with just her legs. This is all very confusing, as a viewer. Figures she'd be absolutely the sexiest in the one episode you're not allowed to find her sexy. I think there's something in here about how you must be a good father, or else we'll have more strippers.

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Farscape

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