Vitas Mortis

Episode Report Card
Keckler: A+ | Grade It Now!
Dullas Shittis

On Moya, Aeryn prowls around her prowler. D'Argo arrives. Aeryn asks if he found his Luxan. "Yes, I will tell you about it later," he pauses, "or, if I don't, Zhaan and Crichton will." Aeryn doesn't notice this portentous phrasing and just looks around for John. I want her hair.

Crichton's still at Neuschwhinestein. He goes to Nilaam's deathbed and tries to get her to promise not to hurt D'Argo because the idea of losing people he cares about scares him. She can't make such a promise. Crichton sits on her bed and asks just how important the Ritual of Passing is. Suffice to say, it's really quite very extremely important.

D'Argo packs up some things in his room. Rygel zooms in to kibitz inappropriately, but Chiana arrives to physically shut Rygel up by grabbing his face. With her hand still over Rygel's puppet mouth, Chiana asks if the "ritual thing" he's going to do is dangerous. D'Argo looks her in the eye and makes a decision. He shakes his head: "Not in the least. I'll be back soon." D'Argo heads out and says, "Make sure he doesn't eat my share of the food," indicating Rygel. Chiana looks worried as Rygel makes muffled noises. "You heard him," Chiana says, releasing Rygel. "Yes, I heard him," Rygel says ponderously, "but somehow I don't believe him." I don't think Chiana does either.

Back in Neuschwhinestein. Crichton waits in the InStyle-less waiting room as D'Argo starts the ritual. There's a lot of annoying start-up to it: D'Argo is strong, Nilaam is old, blah blah blah death-ritual-cakes. They do a blood-sister/blood-brother thing where they cut their palms and then clasp hands. The blood drips black, and seems to drip loudly if the drums are to be believed. More ritual. Crichton is worried and gets up a few times, but restrains himself. You know what they say, if the ritual death room is rockin', don't come knockin'! On Moya, Chiana looks up in concern. She's washing clothes but she seems to sense something is afoot. "D'Argo, your spirit! So strong! I never felt so much power! I must try!" Nilaam climaxes. More loud black blood. Shit shakes in the room. D'Argo screams. Crichton tries to break in. The Qualta blade that has been hovering finally falls and ruins a perfectly nice bronze tea set.

Crichton breaks in. Nilaam pants at him to leave them because the ritual isn't done. Crichton tells her the death party is over. "You're too late!" she calls. "I said it's over," Crichton insists, and whips out Wynonna. Nilaam releases D'Argo's hand and a curiously (boring!) young hand does a "Stop! In the Name of Love!" gesture. Wynonna sparks and smokes and burns Crichton's hand. He drops her. His hand sizzles. But not as much as his BODY! You know I can't resist those, right? D'Argo pants and squeezes his cut hand. KY Jelly drips down to show that he's in the clear. Get it? When the blood runs... oh, never mind. I'm drunk; it's funny. Crichton hastens to D'Argo's side and asks if he's okay. D'Argo's not sure and asks what happened. "I'm not sure, ask Grandma here," Crichton bitches. But, d'oh! She's not Grandma anymore, because the Big Bad Wolf of death has been sliced open to reveal a hot, young, pain-free Luxan who is ready and willing for sex. "D'Argo, we did it!" the Sexan preens. Crichton is stunned. And stunning. Sexan glimmers that D'Argo has given her life. No, he's given you Botox. D'Argo's got a big grin on his face. And a wand in his pocket.

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