Fastlane
Fastlane

Episode Report Card
Kim: A+ | 572 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Gone Native

Deaq and Van sit in a car and watch Dallas sit in a car watching Bailey's house. Van is bored. Deaq just found out that they are watching Wisdom Bailey's house by talking to someone on the phone. Van backstories that Bailey just got out of jail, and has now returned to running his own record label. Then there's the most useless split screen ever, where one side is Deaq and the other side is Van, even though they are sitting next to each other in the car and the director could have just continued on with the simple two-shot. On a show like 24, it makes sense to use split screens so that you can see what is happening in two different plotlines at the same time, since the show is in real time. In a show like this, it's just bullshit posturing. The giant gates in front of Bailey's house open and a security guard walks out. Dallas approaches the gate and yells that Dimitri just wants what he's owed. Like eight more armed security guys wander out, but Dallas keeps yelling insults, trying to get Bailey to come out. His best line is when he asks Bailey, "So what kind of dressing did you take on your salad in [prison]. I bet it was a nice creamy Italian." Van and Deaq talk about how they're not going to help Dallas out, all the while getting out their guns and preparing to help Dallas out. Finally, Bailey walks out. Dallas asks if he wants a war with the Russians. Bailey decks Dallas, and then spits on him. Deaqon thinks that Bailey deserved it. Van says that he feels bad for Dallas, because he's clearly committed to staying in character. Deaq thinks that a guy with style could have gotten the money without resorting to insults. Deaq asks what they are doing next, and Van sighs and says that Dallas went through their stuff, so...

Deaq and Van break into Dallas's apartment. There's not much to find -- some desiccated limes in the fridge, a bobble-head hockey player, lots of takeout food and empty alcohol bottles, and various medications for insomnia and ulcers. Van says he feels bad for Dallas. Deaqon doesn't. Van just thinks the "vibe" is sad. Deaqon points out that they are both in the same field as Dallas, and they don't drink themselves to sleep. Just then, Dallas bursts into the apartment, carrying Katiya over his shoulder. Is anyone surprised that these two are doing it? Yeah, me neither. They burst into the bedroom, but Deaq and Van have vanished. They start doing it. (Dallas and Katiya, not Deaq and Van. This isn't Smallville.) Katiya is worried about Dallas's injuries, and points out that Nikolai will be there soon to collect the money Dallas didn't collect from Bailey. Dallas promises that he and Katiya will be together, and then distracts her with sexual favors. The camera pans down to reveal Deaqon and Van lying under the bed, disgusted. Van tries to whisper something to Deaqon, who shushes him. Deaqon pulls out a text pager and Van pulls his out as well. They start messaging each other. They are the fastest typists, ever. Deaqon's screen name is PRPLHAYES1 and Van's is VANGTO. Deaqon wins the battle of the screen names. Anyway, they banter until a ping-pong ball drops off the bed and bounces towards Deaqon, who frantically blows it away. Cut to two hours later. Dallas and Katiya are still going at it. Van and Deaqon have resorted to playing soccer with a dust ball. Finally, the sex fiends take a break and Katiya heads for the bathroom. Van sneezes and Dallas pulls a gun on them. A standoff ensues. Deaqon whispers that they know Dallas is ATF. Dallas knows that the boys are LAPD, based on their "police academy shooting stance." Dallas is totally yelling, like Katiya wouldn't hear that. All three men try to convince each other to put their guns down. Dallas notices that Katiya seems to be leaving the bathroom, so he turns on the television and waves the boys out the door, tossing them a matchbook. Katiya walks out of the bathroom with a gun, and Dallas puts his hands up and claims that he's ready to go again, so she doesn't need the gun. Somebody took his vitamins.

Fastlane

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