Fastlane
Pilot

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Kim: B- | Grade It Now!
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Pilot

Racetrack. A car speeds by. Peter Facinelli (which is what I'll call him until his character's name is revealed) is driving, and a sassy blonde is in the passenger seat. She actually looks a bit like his real life wife, Jennie Garth. And I think I recognize her from the many Saturday afternoons I spent flipping past Cleopatra 2525. ["I recognize her from 'The Pack,' because the first time I saw that episode I thought she might be a very young Paige Davis." -- Wing Chun] Sassy Blonde pulls out a very large gun and aims it at the base of Facinelli's skull, then asks if he's a cop. He doesn't flinch, and asks if he's supposed to answer that. I don't know what kind of crazy-ass car he's driving but the steering wheel is on the right, European-style, and I guess the gearshift is on the steering column, since he's shifting with his right hand. I don't know anything about cars, which might be a problem when recapping this show. I think I'm just going to start making up names of cars. For example, the one Facinelli is driving is a Genwin Tubra LX7. Sassy Blonde moves closer and orders Facinellli to hold still, and that she hopes he doesn't mind cold hands. She slides her hand down his chest and into his waistband, searching for a wire. No, a real wire. That's not a euphemism.

In a sepia-toned flashback -- which some on-screen text informs us took place two hours earlier -- Facinelli bends over a chair while his partner affixes a wire between Facinelli's package and his pooper. The partner explains that Sassy Blonde pats Facinelli down every time she sees him, and exhorts Facinelli to spread his cheeks wider. Can you really spread your own cheeks, without using your hands? Obviously, he has greater gluteus control than your average person. Maybe that's his super power. The partner says that he needs "access to the taint," and I guess that's supposed to let us know that this show is edgy. If the show is so edgy, I'm wondering why Facinelli is wearing underwear in this scene -- wouldn't it be easier to hide the wire if he were naked? Facinelli asks if his partner smells something burning. The partner grimaces, then laughs while waving his hand in front of his nose. Facinelli farted! And while I subscribe to the "farts equal funny" school of thought generally, that was just dumb. We have reached our first Action Cliché: Not only are there two cops with a love/hate relationship, but also one of them is black. So you know the black guy is going to die soon. Because you've watched television before.

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Fastlane

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