Fastlane
Pilot

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Pilot

Back to the racetrack. Facinelli continues to drive while being groped. His partner stands in the middle of the track, with two goons, holding an aluminum briefcase that must be full of money. Aluminum briefcases only ever hold money, loot of some sort, or drugs. It's not like Joe Wall Street carries an aluminum briefcase to work. And the presence of an aluminum briefcase is Action Cliché #2.

Flashback to one hour earlier. Facinelli opens the aluminum briefcase, which does in fact hold money. His partner worriedly tells him to put the money back. Facinelli explains that he got it from a guy in Evidence who owed him a favor, and that they just have to have it back in the morning. His partner isn't having it. Facinelli says that going in with fake money will reveal that they're cops. The partner starts to give a lecture about "the nature of morality," but more importantly, reveals that Facinelli's character's name is Van. Finally. Van calls his partner "Mystical Negro," which is so 2001, and ultimately declares the debate over, saying that only the real money will work with Sassy Blonde and the Goons (which is the name of my next band). And the renegade cop who doesn't follow the rules, but still manages to avoid firing? Action Cliché #3.

Racetrack again. Sassy Blonde is still digging around in Van's pants. She expresses surprise that he waxes his ass. If she searches him every time she sees him, wouldn't she know that by now? Back at Cop Command Central, the principal from Breakfast Club is worried that Sassy Blonde will find the wire. Sassy Blonde undoes Van's fly and slides her hand into his pants. He jerks the steering wheel, sending them into a skid. When he finally comes to a stop, he declares that the Genwin Tubra LX7 has some "serious oversteer." Sassy Blonde looks disgusted. They exit the car near the partner and the two goons. Sassy Blonde completes her pat-down of Van, and walks away. Van drops the wire, which he somehow pulled out of his ass area in the last ten seconds, and kicks it under the car. Wire Listening Cop #2 tells Principal Breakfast Club that Van has gone offline. Van and Sassy Blonde argue over the price of the car. Sassy Blonde delivers a horrible line about being "bent over and doggied." Who writes this crap?

Sassy Blonde wants to see the money. The partner opens the briefcase, and Goon #1 rifles through the cash. Meanwhile, up in the press box, a sniper takes aim. Tires squeal, and everyone turns to see who is driving up. Van and his partner exchange glances. Goon #1 pulls out a gun. Van's partner pulls out two guns. Goon #2 busts out with an Uzi or similar-type weapon. ["This made me think of the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where they keep pulling out bigger and bigger guns until they're, like, visible from space. Hee." -- Wing Chun] The sniper looks worried. Van makes sure his partner is okay, and then takes a running dive over the hood of a car. Some of the money blows out of the briefcase. Everyone with a gun starts shooting. Van hits the pavement. The partner takes out both goons. Van and his partner determine that they're both okay and have a good chuckle over how close they came to death, as you do. Then the sniper shoots the partner. Action Cliché #4 is that just when you think the partner is safe, he's killed. Van stands up and eyes Sassy Blonde, who holds her hands up to show that she wasn't the shooter. Van runs over to his partner. Sassy Blonde makes like Steve Miller, and takes the money and runs. Van (and this is important later) wipes his hand on his tank top, leaving a bloody handprint. His partner's blood. On his hands. Do you get that? The approaching cars finally arrive, which contain Principal Breakfast Club and some other cops. ["Dude, Van is going to be in Saturday detention for at least six weeks." -- Wing Chun] Van hops into a car and chases Sassy Blonde. They both reach the racetrack exit at the same time. Principal Breakfast Club gives the order to "close it down now," so White Bronco Driving Cop starts to back up in order to block the exit. Sassy Blonde makes it out in time, but Van hits the Bronco and rolls his car. Credits. So far, this show is moving too fast for me to have much time to snark. I'm sure that will change shortly.

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Fastlane

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