Fastlane
Pilot

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Kim: B- | Grade It Now!
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Pilot

A short plane ride later, Deaqon shows up in L.A. and goes to visit a big fat guy who I'm just going to call Tubby. I'm not one to make fun of people's physical appearance, but this guy is seriously just fat. And seems okay with that. God bless him. Tubby lays down the Death tarot card (which doesn't really mean that someone is going to die, but there have been whole books written about that so I'll leave it alone) and says he's sorry to hear about Deaqon's brother, but that Deaqon is not there for a funeral. Then Tubby lays down the Knight of Swords and the Justice card. Talk about your Mystical Negroes. Deaqon sits down and insults Tubby, but then mentions that Tubby lost weight, and they laugh together, so you know they are friends from way back. Tubby says, "I'm down five pounds, nephew!" The funniest part about that is on original viewing, I had to leave the room for a minute and missed this part, and when I got back, J-Dawg told me that Deaqon was Van's partner's nephew, not his brother. See, he's not hip to the lingo like me. And I just figured out why he got that mistaken impression. Tubby tells Deaqon that a four-man crew has been robbing people while wearing hockey goalie masks and brandishing AK-47s. The burglars take "your stash, your cash, and your cars." Tubby says that Van and his partner were buying the stolen cars to try to bust up the theft ring, but the leader of the theft ring is "ghost" -- no one know who he is or what he looks like. Deaqon asks about the fence (Sassy Blonde) and Tubby promises to introduce them, and then offers Deaqon some assistance in the weapons department. Deaqon helps himself to a gun.

Sassy Blonde meets up with Ghost on a deserted beach. The thing I love about television (and this show in particular) is that no one ever wears, like, jeans and a t-shirt. Sassy Blonde is all gussied up in a peasant dress and a black hat, while Ghost is wearing a suit. Action Movie Cliché Alert #5 is that the bad guy is always impeccably dressed. Sassy Blonde (who has the briefcase of money) tells Ghost that the cops came out of nowhere. Ghost orders Sassy Blonde to "wrap [herself] around [Van]" and find out who he is. Ghost fondles Sassy Blonde's face and says that she's not happy about his directive, but she claims that she is. He accuses her of lying, and she says with the utmost seriousness, "Nobody knows when I'm lying." And that's just one more example of the terrible clunkers these actors have to work with. Ghost rubs his thumb across her lips. Action Cliché #6 is the slightly damaged woman with ambiguous intentions.

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Fastlane

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