Fastlane
Pilot

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Pilot

Van enters the hotel room and strolls out to the balcony. A gun cocks. Deaqon points a gun at Van's head, and disarms Van. Deaqon asks who shot the guy at the speedway. Van says that he wants to know the answer to that question, too. Deaqon reveals that he overheard Van's conversation with Sassy Blonde, and isn't too happy about it. Van tries to explain, but Deaqon uses a phrase that his brother used in one of the flashbacks: "Is this bedtime? Did I ask for a story?" Realization dawns on Van (for possibly the first time ever) and he turns and says, "Oh my God. You're Deaqon." Apparently, Van has never watched television before, or that would have been obvious to him from the start. Van explains about his partner, and manages to give us Deaqon's backstory at the same time. Deaqon was a gang member, so his brother beat him up, and they stopped talking about eight or nine years ago. Now, Deaqon works undercover narcotics for the NYPD. Action Cliché #8 is the former gang member who is now a cop, and uses his street smarts for the powers of good instead of evil. Deaqon still isn't sold, and Van manages to get his gun back. The two men have a bit of a standoff going on. Van drops his gun. Deaqon agrees to settle this with their fists. They punch each other at the same time and both drop to the floor. Is that really possible? Why am I worrying about that with all of the other plot impossibilities we've already seen? I don't know. Moving on. They lock back up, start fighting, and somehow manage to both go flying off the balcony and (of course) land in a pool. Action Cliché #9 is that if there is a balcony, and a pool, someone will fly off the former and land in the latter. As they surface, they find a bunch of cops with shotguns. Because the cops in L.A. have nothing better to do than just hang out poolside in case someone comes flying out of a window and lands in the pool. Okay, I know there was a warrant out for Van's arrest, but why were the cops waiting for him by the pool instead of in, say, the hallway outside the hotel room? I don't know.

Van and Deaqon, handcuffed, are led into a holding cell. Van tells Deaqon to "get his game face on" because he's "the new bitch on the bars" and "this is the West Si-eed, yo! The West Si-eed!" I get the feeling that line of dialogue required a lot of takes, because I don't know how Bill Bellamy didn't just bust out laughing in Facinelli's face. He is the whitest white that ever whited. They enter their cell and find a bunch of big black guys starting at them. I normally wouldn't mention the race of a character, because who cares, but I think this was supposed to be "funny" and we're supposed to assume that Van couldn't possibly know these guys because he's...you know, white. All of the guys rush towards Van saying, "I'm gonna get some of that." Cut to the prisoners crouched down and apparently beating on Van. Except, in Action Cliché #10, they're not. Because the renegade detective has heretofore unrevealed connections in unlikely places. Turns out they are all making bets on who can name songs from '80s New Wave artists like Kajagoogoo and Duran Duran. Van gets one of the prisoners to name three singles from Duran Duran. Who can't name three singles from Duran Duran? Girl, please. I wasn't even a Durannie and I can do that, because I was alive in the '80s. I will give props to the writers because not one of the singles mentioned was "Hungry Like the Wolf." A cop appears to let them know that they've been bailed out.

Tiffani (okay, fine, I'll call her Billie, but just know that it's being done under duress -- and because "Billie" is fewer letters to type than "Tiffani") has bailed them out. Billie is wearing a man's suit, complete with tie and shit. She bitches Deaqon out for not notifying his boss he was coming out, not notifying the LAPD he was in town, acquiring a stolen weapon, and looking for "street justice." Deaqon wonders why Billie hasn't sent him home, and Billie replies that she wants to hear what he knows. Deaqon says that the Genwin Tubra LX7 Van flipped was once owned by a criminal. Van and Billie exchange a look, and luckily at this point in the conversation, they happen to be standing right outside the doors to the candy store. I wish it were a real candy store. Like with candy. That would be more exciting to me than those stupid cars. Billie opens the doors and they enter. Billie says that Van's car was legally registered to John Eric Stakowski. Van sighs and says, "Papa John Stump." Deaqon wonders what he's talking about. Van asks Billie if Deaqon can be assigned to the candy store so that he can head up the investigation into Papa John Stump; Van wants to watch. Action Cliché #11: the new partners are antagonistic and enjoy setting each other up for trouble as some sort of testosterone-fueled test.

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Fastlane

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