Fastlane
Pilot

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Pilot

Cut to Deaqon and Van entering a roadhouse to the strains of "Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent. Sadly, there is a bar in my hometown called the Roadhouse that looks like this, and has a similar soundtrack. But the one in my hometown is not meant for camp value. Anyway. The roadhouse is filled with white dudes in cowboy hats. As they enter, Deaqon barely misses being hit by an airborne beer bottle. Action Cliché #12 is fast approaching: the protagonist wins over a crowd full of people with whom he has nothing in common, using music. Deaqon strolls onto the dance floor and borrows some dude's cowboy hat. Deaqon starts doing a line dance. Everyone stops and watches, instead of what would really happen, which is that one of the guys would yell out, "Fag!" and then they would beat him up. Instead, two women (who happen to be dressed in identical Daisy Mae red gingham shirts) join him on the dance floor and imitate his dance. Did I suddenly stumble onto a twisted version of Can't Buy Me Love? There is the obligatory shot of an old tattooed biker dude grooving along to the music, and a boozy floozy wearing a leopard-skin top hooting and clapping. Two more Daisy Maes join in on Deaqon's dance. I think that this point, I would be more worried about the fact that all of the young women in the bar dress alike. Have Van and Deaqon discovered some Village of the Redneck Damned?

The music stops and in Action Cliché #13 (although this one is not limited to action movies) the crowd parts to reveal just the guy our heroes came there to find, who says, "I'm going to have to burn that dance floor." Deaqon greets Papa John, who doesn't seem too happy about it. Deaqon tosses Papa John the skull that used to be on the gearshift of the Genwin Tubra LX7 and says that it's the only surviving piece of the car. Deaqon claims that the same theft ring that stole Papa John's car also stole from Deaqon. Cut to the security tape of the guys with hockey masks ripping off Papa John's place. Papa John, having been won over, says that he thought it was an inside job because the crooks knew where all the loot was.

Van calls Sassy Blonde and lets her know that he's got her cash and he needs a car. She knocks on the door of his hotel room. This whole scene is cut with flashes of Van and Sassy Blonde getting it on. It's quite graphic, actually. I'm surprised those scenes made it past the censors. Then again, it's FOX. First they discuss business, and then they discuss their relationship. Throughout, Van doesn't bother wearing a shirt, and I, for one, am not complaining about that. Out on the balcony, Sassy Blonde says that she saw Van's face when "that guy at the track" got shot, and she knows that they were friends. Van doesn't answer. Sassy Blonde says that they are both lying to each other, and that the only truth there is the money. Then they start making out and it's all soft core porn from there. I'm not going to give you a blow-by-blow of that part. Except to say that while they are kissing, Sassy Blonde keeps saying that someday she's going to be somebody different, like, less talking and more sex, please. Because God knows Sassy Blonde's not going to win any acting awards, but these two sure are pretty. One flash reveals that Sassy Blonde has a tattoo that says "Cassidy" on her lower back. Also, I saw Peter Facinelli's butt. When they're done, Van watches a hundred-dollar bill burn next to a candle. What the? Grab that thing! Blow out the fire! These people have messed-up priorities. Oh, and Action Cliché #14 is that the renegade cop gets mixed up with the slightly damaged woman with ambiguous intentions.

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Fastlane

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