Smallville
Finale

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | 6 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
So Long, and Thanks for All the Super
ow outfit. The prophets are shocked that Oliver's Omega is gone. There's some blah-blah and then Granny raises her hand to smite Oliver. Her palm glows red. Oliver readies three arrows and looses them all at once. Despite having telekinetic powers, all three prophets just sort of stand there and get shot. Each arrow finds its target. Granny, DeSaad and Godfrey all explode in puffs of light and smoke. Well, that was easy.

Air Force One. Because even the President on this show has terrible security, Lois has managed to con her way onto the plane using Janet's badge. Why this thing is even in the air with chunks of a giant flaming planet crashing all around them is a mystery, but whatever. Lois tries to get into the President's section of the plane. When a Secret Service agent stops her, she pulls the old "hey look out the window at the extra planet!" trick and makes a run for it. The agent stops her just as she runs into a conference room. A handful of people sit around a small table. Nobody looks that disturbed to see this madwoman. Even Mr. Secretary decides to let her speak instead of ordering her shot where she stands. "I have proof that the meteor you're about to nuke into oblivion is much larger than you realize," she says. She warns them of the nuclear fallout that will result. Everyone exchanges slightly guilty looks and Lois realizes they already knew all this. For some reason, they try to justify themselves to her. Lois asks them to let the heroes -- one in particular -- do their jobs. She gives them a rousing speech about heroes that they listen to instead of taping her mouth. They decide to wait five minutes.

Farm. Clark fetches his Jor-El crystal from the loft. He stares at it for a while instead of immediately zipping off to the Arctic to use it. This gives Darkseid a chance to pay him a visit, this time in Lionel's zombiefied body. Also, for some reason, he's covered in thick, gooey mucus from head to toe. "The lost son of Jor-El," Darkseid greets him in a deep, distorted voice. He shuffles towards Clark. Why is he in this old man's decrepit body instead of his slightly-more-impressive gassy state? "Darkseid," Clark says. Now that introductions have been made... "My father sent me here to protect this planet," he says, "and I will fight you to my last breath." A first-grader would recite the alphabet with more gusto than Welling is putting into his delivery. Clark and Darkseid have a chat about how weak humans are, but Clark remains firm in his faith. "It may be easier to hate, but it's stronger to love." Darkseid drones on about how long it's been since someone could tip the balance toward the light or whatever the hell. "You are the light!" he grumbles. Remember this for later, because... aw, screw it. You get the gist of it. Darkseid says lots of other horrible, cheesy things that I can't bare to transcribe, then he raises his hand and Vaders poor Clark into a chokehold. He hurls Clark across the barn. As Clark crashes through a wooden beam, everything slows to a stop. He hears Jonathan's words about Jor-El's guidance.

Suddenly, he finds himself standing in darkness, surrounded by a beam of blue light and those Kryptonian hula hoops that move of their own accord. "You have always had the power within you," Jor-El's voice intones. Is he hallucinating? Did Jor-El zap his mind to the Fortress despite being deactivated? Who knows? The hula hoops vanish. Large crystals thrust up into view. Via images on their surfaces, he's treated to flashbacks of all the many super moments of his life, starting with the day Lex ran over him on the bridge. Other memories include saving Lana from that ridiculous tornado at the end of the first season, saving Perry White's life, winning a football game at super-speed, super-leaping to catch a missile, stopping many bullets from killing people, flying with Lois, and so on. Clark's ego gets wood from being stroked so hard. "These were my trials," Clark realizes. "Your final trial is upon you," Jor-El says. "You are ready. Seize your destiny!" Clark comes to and finds himself levitating in the barn. He clenches his fists, concentrates, then flies through Darkseid. Lionel's body turns to smoke and red light. Flaming crows fly out of the smoke. I don't even have snark for that.

LuthorCorp. Tess walks into her office for a reunion with her brother. She finds out he knew she was his sister all along. I bet they dated anyway. Tess says all she wanted was redemption, but knows she'll never get it. Lex caresses her cheek, then pulls her into a hug. "I love you, sis," he says, then stabs her in the gut. "You know I'm actually saving you." She falls against him and he lowers her gently to the floor. "From what?" she asks, gasping for breath. "From turning into me," he says. She reaches up and touches his cheek with a gloved hand. She wipes something black onto his skin. "It's the neurotoxin you started at Summerholt," she exposits. It will seep through his skin and wipe away all his memories in thirty seconds. "The world before this moment won't exist to you," she says. Then why explain it to him? He's not going to remember it anyway! Tess gasps and dies for no reason at all. Her big brother has a series of flashbacks as his memories are wiped from his mind. Gone are memories of losing his hair in the meteor shower, of being an abused misfit of a child, of his epic and sometimes sexy friendship with Clark, of killing his father and marrying Lana Lang and trying to kill Clark and himself in the Fortress. In other words, having the character of Lex Luthor on this show for seven years has just been rendered completely pointless. Everything that went into making this Lex is gone. All that's left is Patches the Amnesiac Clone. Patches wanders over to the window and stares out at the scene of interplanetary destruction before him.

Fortress. Clark and Jor-El have a nice chat that doesn't really follow from all the shitty things Jor-El has done in the past. It's all about being proud and accepting each other and whatever. Jor-El: "You and you alone possess the courage, the determination and the compassion that will be required of you to lift the darkness from the Earth." There's a rumble and the crystal closet pushes up from the icy ground, revealing the Super suit. Jor-El gives props to Martha and Jonathan for helping to make Clark a hero. Where was this nice Jor-El for the first, well, nine seasons? For some reason, dead Jonathan Kent is suddenly standing behind Clark, the Super suit draped over his arms. "Always hold onto Smallville," dead Jonathan says. The leathery red cape totally looks like a big Fruit Roll-Up. Clark steps up, takes the suit, strikes a pose and leaps into the air. As he streaks toward the sky, he changes into the suit, although all we see are flashes of the cape here and there, alternating with flashes of his face. He busts through an ice column instead of flying through any number of holes that were already there.

Meanwhile, Apokolips is close enough to start making out with planet Earth. Amazingly, Air Force One is still in the air. Longest "five minutes" ever. The plane jostles, tossing everyone inside like a drum full of bingo balls. Lois is tossed to a window just in time to see Clark flying up to the plane. He grabs it by the engine and straightens it up. He stops by Lois's window to give her a smile before flitting off. Lois picks up a handy video camera, turns it on herself instead of the window where the superheroics are going on. Then, out of nowhere, the President finally shows up and she turns the camera on him.

Down on the streets of Metropolis, a smattering of worried people have gathered. They seem relatively calm, given they're seconds away from being turned into pate. Oliver joins them. As they watch, a bad CGI rendering of Clark whooshes overhead. He whooshes up to Apokolips. A few moments later, the giant flaming planet begins to move away from Earth. Omegas flash on the spectators' foreheads, then vanish. Everyone cheers and hugs each other while Oliver beams proudly at the sky. Up in space, Clark giv

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