Episode Report Card
Shack: A | 6 USERS: D
The gloves come off

Over at the dinner table, Jayne hocks up a big loogie on his whetstone. I probably just lost all the expectoraphiles for good. Hey, come back! Oh, wait. I'm not sure if I want the expectoraphiles around. Simon, who happens to be sitting to Jayne's left, looks at him with disgust and says, "Can you not do that while we're…ever?" Jayne glares at him and spits on his whetstone again. I'm not sure if there will be description of Jayne's activities in this recap that won't sound like a double entendre. Wash mutters about how awful doctors are so that Simon can remind us that he's a doctor. Oh, yeah. Except for Simon. Simon's not awful. Unless you mean "awful pretty."

Meanwhile, River has walked over to a counter and picked up a very large knife. Then she walks up to Jayne and slashes him directly across the chest as he's teasing Simon. Ow. Jayne reacts in pain and instinctively backhands River across the room. His shirt, incidentally, bears the logo "Blue Sun" on it. Apparently, this logo was also on the box of crackers River molested back in "Shindig." I didn't mention it because I couldn't tell from watching. I only know because I read it on a script page online. And I probably wouldn't have noticed Jayne's shirt if somebody hadn't pointed it out on the forums. There is such a thing as being too subtle. Although that's generally not a trap television shows fall into. There's no time to be subtle when they've got anvils to hurl. Some people run to Jayne's side; some run to River's. She recovers from Jayne's punch, her mouth bleeding, and says, "He looks better in red." Everybody looks confused and concerned. Jayne gasps in pain through it all.

Yay! Furry chest! Simon's needle penetrates Jayne's…hey, where are you going? Cold shower? Okay, then. For the rest of you, Simon sews up Jayne's chest wound in the infirmary as Jayne growls about River being off her rocker. Simon tries to apologize for River's behavior, but Jayne's not hearing it. He tells Mal, who is watching the proceedings, that they need to dump Simon and River. He says Ariel's a good place to leave them behind, and they could even snag a reward. Mal insists that nobody is getting left behind. Jayne threatens, "You don't pitch [River] off this boat right now, I swear to you…" "What?" Mal menaces right back. "What do you swear, Jayne?" Jayne backs off his threat in the face of true alpha-maleness and goes for the "people besides me are at risk" angle by telling Mal that he'd better lock his door at night. Because if River flips out again, who knows who she'll go after? He mentions Kaylee and Inara as potential future victims of River's demented behavior. Mal leans in close to Jayne -- because god knows there isn't enough homoeroticism among these three guys -- to repeat that River and Simon are part of the crew and aren't getting left behind. Jayne looks at Mal, cowed. Jayne's a total butch bottom. He likes to pretend that he's dominant, but behind closed doors he wants to be ordered around. Then Jayne tosses Simon his manly, ripped shirt and tells him that he owes him a new one before stalking out of the infirmary.

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