Firefly
Bushwhacked

Episode Report Card
Shack: C+ | 5 USERS: D
YOU GRADE IT
Leave It To Reavers

Insert stock footage here of space-suited folks nervously exploring the darkened vessel. Mal and Zoe wander through the halls with flashlights illuminating the way. Mal observes that the emergency power seems to be working. There's clutter here and there. There's also an unattended red balloon. See, if I had any doubts that something bad had happened, the unattended red balloon took care of that. Red balloons are always bad news. They wander into a dining area to find people's dinners sitting abandoned at the tables. It's a cardinal rule that innocent civilians are eating when they get ambushed; that's how they telegraph to us that it was sudden and unexpected. Mal: "Whatever happened, happened quick." See? Mal and Zoe wander onto the empty bridge. Zoe observes that the ship powered down on its own and that there was no sign of a struggle. Zoe then notes that somebody was in the middle of a log entry when this all happened and it's still up on a monitor. Of course. If the sentence "I don't know how much longer we can hold them off" doesn't appear in the entry somewhere, I'll eat a tin can.

But as Mal and Zoe turn their attentions to the log, we instead cut to River, who wakes up from a nap with a frightened gasp. She's probably confused because she was just up on the bridge a few minutes ago and doesn't know how the hell she got back in her quarters. She starts crying, and Simon rushes in to see if she's okay. River whines that she can't sleep because "there's too much screaming." Oops, River can hear everybody in the audience yelling at her to shut up. Those are pretty strong psychic abilities. Simon points out that there's nobody screaming. It was really dumb to reveal to us that River has psychic powers before the show even aired, while keeping the characters still in the dark. It really makes the subplot drag, because we're all just sitting around waiting for Simon to figure out what we already know.

Jayne wanders by to interrupt the conversation, telling Simon that Mal wants them both over there. Simon asks if there were any survivors. Jayne loads his gun -- again, read into that what you will -- and says Mal didn't give any details. Jayne's gun is a six-shooter with what appears to be a laser scope. Whatever. It's ridiculous, but whatever. Simon says he'll ask Inara to look in on River. Jayne doesn't care; he's heading over without waiting for Simon. Jayne casually reminds Simon as he leaves that he has to get suited up for the trip.

Cut to Simon in a spacesuit, as he nervously Ensign Hoshis his onto the cargo ship. His eyes dart around. He breathes heavily. This isn't nearly as erotic as he thought it would be when he stared at Mal earlier. He slowly, nervously makes his way down the corridor, holding his little red Fisher Price's My First Doctor Kit. Then he turns the corner and finds half the crew of Serenity, just sitting there without any environmental suits on at all. Hee! They all look at him like he's the biggest goober since Mr. Planters. Kaylee helps Simon take his space helmet off while Jayne laughs at his own prank. Simon calls Jayne a sadist. Some people like that in a guy. I'm just saying. It turns out that Mal didn't even ask for Simon, but as long as he's there, he can help out in the search. Mal teams Simon up with Kaylee and tells them all to grab what they can, but not to be greedy. Simon asks where all the people are. Mal says the ship's "lifeboat" launched more than a week ago. He assumes the passengers were on it. Mal sends Kaylee, Simon, and Jayne off to scavenge various parts of the ship. As they're leaving, Kaylee points out to Simon that he had the spacesuit on wrong. Hee. Okay, the whole spacesuit thing was kind of funny. The show definitely needs more of that.

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Firefly

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