Here's how it is: Television's shallow well of creativity got used up. So they scurried around and imagined a bunch of gimmicks to create new shows. Some (lousy reality shows) were rich and flush with media blitzes, ratings, and advertisers. Others (new dramas), not so much. The reality show producers formed an alliance to wage war to bring television under their rule. A few idiots tried to fight them. Among them: Firefly. With its snarky crew of stock characters, Firefly fought its way across the inhospitable Southern California wastelands, trying to eke out a humble 6.5 share. They failed. If you've got a show, they'll act in it. They don't much care what it is. You hear me, CSI: Miami?
Previously: This show was cancelled. Also, Simon and Kaylee sorta-kinda flirted. They show practically every scene between the two of them. I guess they decided to try de-gaying Simon. I blame myself for insisting to Jose Molina that Simon liked boys. Zoe and Wash are married, meaning that every single scene with both of them in it has to reflect upon their relationship somehow. And Inara is a whore. Whoooooooore! But Mal loves her anyway. And she loves him. So of course, they can never, ever admit it. If the real world were like television, mankind would become extinct, because half the people would be unwilling to reveal their attraction to the other half.
Faux-Arabic chanting plays as a cameraman hurtles down from space into the atmosphere of some unknown desert planet. He comes to a stop in front of what appears to be an old Spanish mission, covered with foil. Maybe it's Christo's childhood home? A young man and woman attach laundry to a line to dry. Or perhaps it's their latest installation piece. Off in the distance, they note a pack of men approaching the house on horseback. Suddenly a hovercraft careens over a hill to join them. The kids freak and call out to a woman named Nandi. Nandi, who is matriarchal, yet still stunningly beautiful, joins them outside. Nandi is played by Melinda "Lady Heather" Clarke. She orders the kids back into the house. They've still got a bunch of five-foot-tall Plexiglas Chinese take-out containers to paint lavender and dot about the landscape before tonight's show opening. The men all stop at the house, and a middle-aged man (evil!) in a Western suit (eeeeevil!) takes off his silly safety goggles (evil?) as he gets out of the hovercraft. Nandi declares that the house isn't open yet. The man calls her a whore, which is probably a good thing, because my very thin repertoire of Christo-related jokes just ran dry. Nandi refers to the man by his incredibly cheesy-fake Western name of Rance Burgess and tells him he's not welcome around La Maison Derriere anymore. Rance (eye-roll) doesn't care if he's welcome or not, he's there for "what's [his]." Nandi insists that there's nothing here that belongs to him, but in cheesy-fake Western speech, and orders him to leave. Rance (eye-roll) orders the men to find some girl. Nandi insists the girl he's looking for left a month ago. Of course, we immediately hear a girl scream. What, was she just standing there off-camera next to the house?
The men drag an extremely pregnant young woman out of the house, and onto the dusty desert ground. It seems the woman, named Petaline (eye-roll) is carrying Rance's baby. She denies it. Rance pulls out some sort of sci-fi needle widget and apparently takes a DNA sample. He says he's going to test the DNA, and if the baby's his, he'll be back for it. He threatens, "If I have to, I'll cut it out of you." He and his men leave, as the other whores comfort Petaline.