Heart Of Gold

Episode Report Card
Shack: C | 15 USERS: B+
Gunfight At The Ho K Corral

Down in the cargo bay, Zoe has apparently filled everybody in on the mission. It's strictly a personal choice among the crewmembers whether they want to participate. Jayne is hesitant because they haven't negotiated a specific dollar amount for the gig. Book blathers about people needing help, and that's why Jayne should help them. Shut up, Book. Don't you get it that Jayne doesn't care? Nobody cares. Shut up. Zoe reminds them that it's strictly volunteer. Jayne says, "Good. Don't know these people. Don't much care to." Mal says, "They're whores." Jayne says, "I'm in." I'm wondering how Zoe managed to describe what the mission is without ever saying they were protecting a whorehouse. Mal tells Wash to plot a course. Man, that was a long way to go simply for a joke about Jayne liking women with loose morals. I mean, duh.

Serenity CGIs its way onto the desert moon. The entire crew (including River, for some unknown, unexplained reason) has decided to participate in this bodyguard mission. As they head toward the whorehouse, Jayne wonders why it looks like a frozen dinner package. Kaylee explains that the foil is solar sheeting to provide cheap power. Jayne, amusingly, has gotten cleaned up for the trip and is wearing a nice striped button-up shirt and a hat. Perhaps, taking a page from the men on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, he asked Simon for some fashion advice.

They all enter the bordello, and Inara greets Nandi warmly. There are pretty young women and prettier young men lounging about. Inara introduces Mal to Nandi. He says, "Any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine." Shut up, Mal. Mal introduces Zoe and the crew as Jayne wastes no time cozying himself up next to some woman at the bar. He asks Mal, "Can I start getting sexed already?" Mal responds, "Well, that one's kind of horrific," as if thousands of woman and men wouldn't have been shouting "Yes!" at the television if this had made it onto the air. The woman Jayne's talking to doesn't seem at all appalled at Jayne's comment, because duh. Zoe, Mal, and Inara accompany Nandi into another room to talk business. Nandi invites the others to make themselves "at home" as she leaves. Kaylee, Simon, Wash, and River stand around awkwardly, looking around the room. Kaylee says, "Look, they've got boy whores. Ain't that thoughtful? Wonder if they service girlfolk at all." Wash suggests they not ask. Simon, clearly uncomfortable with discussing boys who may or may not prefer each other's company, asks if there's a pregnant woman around somewhere he's supposed to be seeing to. Everybody ignores him. Jayne and the blonde woman get lust all over each other. Wash asks Kaylee if she'd actually pay for sex. Kaylee responds, "Well, it's not like anybody else is lining up to, you know, 'examine' me." Well, maybe Simon's not gay after all. Maybe he's just put off by Kaylee's obvious aura of desperation. Jayne, bouncing around like a boy opening his presents on Christmas morning, says, "My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly about the room, there's so much tasty here!" It's Adam Baldwin's ecstatic little giggle after that line that makes it worthwhile. Could you imagine a bad actor trying to sell that one? Wash tells Jayne, "Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker." Apparently, Wash does, too.

A woman escorts Petaline in to meet with Simon. Simon says, "Let's get you lying down and take a look at you." Jayne thinks that's a great idea as well, except he means something in the earlier part of the whole baby-making program, as he and the blonde head up some stairs. A couple of women approach Book as he makes a sandwich over at the bar. He seems to think they want to offer him their "wares." They don't. They were hoping he would lead them in a "prayer meeting." They don't get much religion there. One explains that the last shepherd to come through town only read one passage, and then "took it out in trade" on the both of them. Book looks surprised. He thought he was the stiffest preacher in the 'verse. Thank you and goodnight! Kaylee whines that everybody's got somebody except for her. And River. And Simon. She orders Wash to tell her that she's pretty. He says that if he were unwed, he would "take her in a manly fashion." Ew. Stop that. Only Jayne can sell that shit.

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