Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 6 USERS: C-
A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Box-Dropping Man-Ape Gone Wrong

The introductory montage explains to us yet again the far-reaching consequences of Dick Cheney's energy policy.

We open with Kaylee and Simon chatting in a corridor by some ladders. Kaylee demands, "Come on, admit it. It's true." No, she's not outing Simon. Yet. She's trying to get Simon to admit that he never uses swear words. They just need lockers along the walls and little more lighting, and this could be a "flirting" scene from any high-school drama. Simon insists that he does swear, "when it's appropriate." I'm going to avoid an S&M scene joke here, because I'm trying to set a good example to calm down the homoeroticism fanatics. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Inara wanders by, and Kaylee greets her and exposits that Inara is heading off for what she hopes to be a "glamorous romance." For money. Inara's wearing some burgundy dress with lacy sleeves and panels. It looks pretty in a Victorian-era way. Inara warns them not to let Mal get them into too much trouble while she's off. As Inara heads up some stairs, Kaylee chirps, "Have good sex!" after her. Simon gives her a strange look. Kaylee's all, "What?" She's just wishing Inara a good day at work. It's like telling an actor to "Break a leg." Actually, I guess wishing a hooker luck with an opposite statement would be something like, "Pop a boob!" or "Get an STD!"

But never mind all that; Simon is suddenly distracted by the sight of a beefy bo-hunk -- sorry -- by the sight of a sexy, manly -- sorry! -- by the sight of Jayne, who is wreaking havoc in his medical bay, sans shirt. Simon rushes in, all the better to leer at Adam Baldwin's furry chest -- sorry -- all the better to feel up Adam Baldwin's muscular arms -- sorry! -- all the better to have a hissyfit at Jayne for trashing his room. Trying to be respectable is hard -- sorry! -- difficult. Simon demands to know what Jayne is doing. Jayne explains that he needed to find some tape. He's using it to tape a gun to his manly -- sorry -- to his lickable -- sorry! -- to his torso. Simon asks if Jayne needed to trash the whole medical bay to find it. Jayne smirks and says, "Apparently so." Simon bitches that Jayne is like a "trained ape, but without the training. And sexier." I think I quoted that right. Let me know if I got that wrong.

Just then, Mal wanders in to give us a spoonful of exposition to make the shirtlessness last longer. He reminds Jayne that we're heading for Canton, and that they don't allow guns there. Or what? So they're heading down there on some probably illegal mission, and Mal's worried about violating their gun laws? Whatever. I mean, you would think that Mal would actually encourage them to have concealed weapons, because it would give them an advantage in the event of a confrontation. But I guess I'm not a good enough person to be an outlaw in the future. Jayne explains that the gun ban is why he's strapping it to his lovely torso, and not wearing it on his hip. Mal insists to him that he's not bringing a gun. Jayne explains that he was in Canton a few years back and may have made a few enemies. Simon sarcastically observes, "Enemies? You? Noooo, how can that be?" Mal pulls rank and tells Jayne he's not wearing a gun. Jayne looks down at the tape around his torso in trepidation, then pulls off a strip and whimpers in pain. Aww, let me kiss it and -- sorry!

We get some shots of Serenity and Inara detaching her shuttle from the ship and flying away. That's pretty much the only sci we'll be seeing in this sci-fi show tonight. The ship lands somewhere dusty. There's a bog in the forefront of the scene that bubbles.

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