We return to the morning after the big drunken hootenanny. Simon is sleeping on a bench in the bar. Kaylee is lying on top of him. Simon has his arm around Kaylee. The top of Kaylee's worksuit is pulled down. She's got a shirt on underneath it, though, so don't get any naughty ideas. Like I could stop you. Simon has abandoned his jacket, putting him back in his typical vest mode. His shirt is unbuttoned. Mal wanders in to wake the two of them up. They both kind of freak at Mal finding them in each other's arms. Simon insists that they didn't do anything. He says, "I would never. Not with Kaylee." Kaylee responds, "What do you mean, not with me?" He means he's gay, Kaylee. You seem to be the only one who doesn't know. Mal doesn't even care. He wants to know where Jayne is. That's Jayne's cue to stumble out of a room on the second floor where a balcony overlooks the bar. BeardLady is clinging to him as he wanders down and sings his own song: "The hero of Canton, the man they call…me." I'm going to guess that GayMudderRick had to leave early for work, and that's why he's not with them. BeardLady fondles Jayne's chest (damn her!), while Jayne considers breakfast. Mal, though, has other plans for Jayne, so Jayne sends BeardLady off with a manly slap on the ass. He, Mal, and Kaylee head off and Simon starts to join them. But now Kaylee doesn't want to have anything to do with Simon after his snub a few moments ago, and orders him to stay there: "It's about the time for a civilized person to have his breakfast. That's the sort of thing would be appropriate, don't you think?" They all file out. Simon looks confused, disheveled, and so very pretty. He sits down and asks somebody off-screen for a menu. Somebody off-screen says, "A what?"
Back in Inara's shuttle, the deflowering of Fess is obviously complete. They lie in bed together. Inara tells Fess that he's being very quiet. Fess laments that he thought he'd feel different afterward. But he doesn't. He asks if he's supposed to be a man now. Inara wisely observes, "A man is just a boy old enough to ask that question." Whuh? She caresses Fess's cheek and blathers about how what they did was a "ritual," and that it was important to Mr. Higgins; she hopes Fess enjoyed it, but it doesn't make him a man. Who is the audience for this subplot, exactly? I know there are a lot of stereotypes about sci-fi fans, but I do believe that most of them have had sex at least once, so it's not like there's anything illuminating about this scene. Fess's silent pondering of Inara's hooker wisdom is interrupted by his father beating on the door to the shuttle.
Back in Mudville, Mal fills Jayne in on his plan as they walk through town, Kaylee trailing behind them. In a new anvilicious development, Jayne worries that it's wrong to "hoodwink" the people of Canton with a fake celebration for him. I don't really understand his logic, though, because it's not like they're stealing from the mudders. They're just moving some goods that apparently originated from somewhere else. Jayne explains that he thinks he actually had some sort of effect on the lives of the mudders, and tells Mal how they all rioted against the magistrate to protect the statue. Jayne is their Marx! Their Lenin! Their Stalin! Or something. Wash and Zoe drive up in their ATV. Zoe mocks, "Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me. I must be dreaming." Jayne offers to pinch Zoe and even makes a move in that general direction, but Wash slaps his hand away. Heh. Mal and Kaylee jump on the ATV. Mal orders Jayne over to the town square to greet his fans. Then they just leave him and drive away. I know that these guys are adults and cynical outlaws and blah blah blah. I shouldn't be expecting the kind of camaraderie they've got on Buffy or anything, but I'm still wondering why the heck nobody seems to be considering what the magistrate might do to Jayne. Mal gave that annoying speech to Saffron about trusting the people he works with and loyalty and blah blah blah, and here they are sending Jayne off alone to distract the authorities with the fact that he's a wanted man.