Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 6 USERS: C-
A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Box-Dropping Man-Ape Gone Wrong

Anyway, the antiheroes drive off into a bamboo forest for a few yards, then stop and seek out their contraband on foot. They find a part that looks just like everything else, but Mal declares that this is where they have to dig up the goods. The camera pans down to the dirt to emphasize the fact that they have to dig. There's nothing like a close-up of dirt to make you think about digging.

Back on Inara's Shuttle Of Making Emotional Connections With People For Money, Fess explains that he has to go attend some criminal hearing at his father's orders. He briefly recaps the story of the hero of Canton, then explains that the man arrived back in town yesterday. Inara hears this while taking an inventory of the five hundred candles on her mantel, and assumes that Fess is talking about Mal. She explains that she knows the guy, and he has "this idiotic sense of nobility, you know. He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting, but there's a side to him that's so --" Fess interrupts to ask her if she actually knows Jayne. This snaps Inara out of her glazed swoon-inducing description of Mal, and she reacts with disbelief at the idea of Jayne being a hero. Yes, we all went through that about twenty minutes ago while you were…uh…having rituals with Fess. Catch up. Fess explains that Jayne is the only person to ever stand up to his father. Higgins apparently traced Jayne back to Serenity and ordered Port Control to put a land lock on it. Whatever the hell that means. They landed the ship in the middle of an empty field, so I'm not even sure what the heck Port Control is. Do they come out and put one of those giant boots on the landing gear or something? Fess says that he's not really happy with the idea of Jayne getting caught. Fess doesn't like his dad. Dads are bad people. If you can arrange it, try not to have a dad. Like Mal.

Back at the bar, Simon asks off-screen guy for the check. But off-screen guy is so far off-screen that even Simon can't see him. Instead, Stitch comes wandering in, menacing that he heard Simon's with Jayne. Simon stammers, because he's afraid that his diary has been getting around. Stitch strides up to Simon's table -- pretty confidently for somebody who has been living in a box for four years -- and demands that Simon take him to see that "dirty lowdown shingle of a man." What kind of insult is "shingle"? Simon looks up at the man and decides that condescension is the way to go with an angry person looking for Jayne. Yeah, good idea. He looks Stitch over and says, "Look…sir, I don't know who --" But he doesn't any further than that, because Stitch yanks Simon out of the chair by his collar, then backhands him back down to the ground. In the future, there's apparently a cure for chronic muscle atrophy. Stitch calls Simon a pantywaist. Now, I'm sure he only wears them for comfort. Stitch kicks Simon in the ribcage while he's on the ground. More angry words about Jayne. He kicks Simon in the head. Ow. Simon seems to be rather resilient, though. I'm holding back another S&M joke. You're welcome. Stitch pulls Simon up and presses him up against a wall and holds a knife up to his neck. He insists that Simon bring him to Jayne. Simon reaches behind him and grabs a bottle and smashes it across Stitch's head. Poor Simon. That only works on television. Except, apparently, on this show. Stitch is not even remotely knocked out, slashing Simon's arm with the knife and punching him down to the floor. Ow. Stitch pulls Simon up and threatens to put out an eye. But then Stitch hears the crowd chanting "Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!" outside and realizes that he's nearby. He drags Simon outside with him.

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