Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 6 USERS: C-
A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Box-Dropping Man-Ape Gone Wrong

As Kaylee helps Simon back up to his feet, Stitch starts making his way up to the statue to narrate the shocking unknown truth in this week's episode of Behind The Hero. He tells the gathered folks that he and Jayne were partners on the magistrate heist. When their ship got shot during the escape, they tossed out all the ballast they could -- excess fuel, seats, et cetera. Soon there was just Jayne, Stitch, and the money. Jayne really had no intention of tossing the money out. GayMudderRick insists that Jayne tossed the money out for the mudders. Nope. Jayne tossed Stitch out first and tried to keep the money. Jayne insists that Stitch would have done the same. Stitch insists that he wouldn't have: "You protect the man you're with! You watch his back!" I'd be more than happy to watch -- sorry. Ahem. After some more angry Western line readings of Top Gun dialogue, Jayne asks Stitch if he's going to do something, or just talk. Don't ever ask an angry man with a gun to do something besides talking. That's just asking for trouble. Which, in this case, is Stitch pointing his gun at Jayne and pulling the trigger. But that's when GayMudderRick decides to protect the man he was with (last night) and hurls himself nobly in front of Jayne. Poor Rick. Always taking a bullet because of ill-advised romantic entanglements. Commercials.

When we return, GayMudderRick falls to the ground, again. Jayne pulls a knife out of a hilt strapped to his lower back -- presumably under his shirt, because I don't recall seeing it earlier -- and hurls it right into the center of Stitch's chest. Stitch drops the gun, but doesn't go down. Man, Stitch is one tough mother. He certainly lives up to his cartoon namesake. The two men charge each other. Jayne very quickly gets the upper hand because, well, knife in the chest, and ends up beating Stitch to death by slamming his head repeatedly into the base of anvil. Oh sorry, I meant "the base of Jayne's very own statue." I'm sure it feels just like getting hit with an anvil, though. The crowd makes stock horrified gasps.

After a few seconds of heavy breathing, Jayne rushes over to check on the fate of last night's slam-piece. GayMudderRick is dead. Very dead. Jayne is confused as to why GayMudderRick would protect Jayne after what Stitch said about him. Little Peter Pan comes out of the crowd to fondle the handle of the knife in Stitch's chest. Ew. Jayne stands up and starts yelling at the crowd, telling them, "You think there's someone just gonna drop money on you? Money they can use? Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me." Aww. Sniff. Oh, and [sic]. Peter Pan steps forward to offer Jayne back his knife. Kid, do you even listen? Jayne gives him an angry look that says, "Kid, do you even listen?" He snatches the knife back from the kid, who cowers away in fear. Then he walks up to his statue and deposes himself by pushing it off the pedestal. I'm sure you can find some deep meaning there if you care to look. It's so subtle.

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