Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 5 USERS: D
A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Box-Dropping Man-Ape Gone Wrong

The antiheroes head back to Serenity, Jayne stopping occasionally to give "I've finally been emotionally affected by something" looks here and there. Mal calls up to Wash to get them off the planet. Wash tries to take off, but a warning buzzer comes on, and a monitor shows an image in red that reads "land-locked by Port Control." I still don't know what it means. Oddly enough, Wash doesn't seem to either, because he mutters stuff in Chinese ("A snake can never wed a sapphire.") and starts hitting his switches and smacking monitors in the hopes of fixing the problem. Suddenly, Inara wanders in to ask if there's a problem. And then, suddenly, the monitor lights turn green, the buzzer stops, and the land-lock is released. So Inara has the power to seduce machinery, too?

Oh, it wasn't Inara -- it was Fess. We cut to Fess and his bad ol' pa. Fess sits with his legs spread real wide, because now that he's had sex once, he's ready to go sodomize the world. Higgins has a hissyfit because Fess defied him and released the land-lock, allowing Serenity to escape. Fess points out that Higgins wanted to make a "man" out of him, and it worked.

Cut to our final "one to grow on" montage. Jayne stands around on the ship, staring at his knife. River sits in the common area, reading and making notations in something that appears to not be biblical in nature. Book wanders by to talk to her. River says, "Just keep walking, preacher man." Yeah, out of an airlock. Book walks off without a word. A "one to grown on" moment thwarted. Maybe there is a God, after all.

In Simon's quarters (I believe), Kaylee tends to his wounds and teases him for not being manly enough. As flirtations go, that's, well…not a very good angle. Kaylee asks him if he couldn't beat Stitch back, or "would that not be appropriate." Oh, Kaylee's one of those reverse snobs. One of those "salt of the earth" folks who looks down on people who don't share her outlook, exactly in the same way that upper-class snobs do. Simon realizes that Kaylee's talking about his comments to Mal about not sleeping with her. Kaylee explains that Simon "confounds" her: "You like me well enough. We get along. And then you get all stiff." That's because he's gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. And you'll note that he seems to get "stiff" whenever Mal or Jayne happen by. He's gay. Do I need to draw you a map? Would you like to see that Rachel Dratch skit? Simon tries to stammer an explanation, but Kaylee points out that he's doing the "stiff" thing again. She asks, "What's so damned important about being proper. Don't mean nothing out here in the black." Simon insists that it means even more for him to be "proper" out here. It's all he has. Along with twenty vests. And some really good skin cream. Simon explains that when he treats Kaylee in his "proper" fashion, that means that he likes her. He's showing her respect. Oh, puh-leeeeeze. Does that line ever work anymore? Kaylee looks at him meaningfully and says, "So, when we made love last night…" Simon practically shrieks, "When we what?!" So gay. He's too gay to even pull off that "sex with a girl while drunk" thing that seems to happen in every drama about a gay man and his female friend. Kaylee laughs and calls Simon an "easy mark." Except for the "easy" part. At least as far as Kaylee is concerned.

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