Firefly
Objects In Space

Episode Report Card
Shack: C | 10 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
This week's episode simulcast on KRZY

Previously on Firefly: The Dishwashers of Doom came to escort River back into the kitchen, but she escaped; Simon discovered that the mysterious Academy had been picking around in River's brain; Jayne betrayed River and Simon for a large sum of money, but was then told that the check was in the mail; Mal almost killed Jayne when he realized what Jayne had done, but didn't; Kaylee wasn't a big fan of real-world first-person shooter games, but River helped her out with her Jedi mind tricks. Incidentally, following up on a recent comment from Sars, "Jedi" is in Microsoft Word's dictionary. Scary, huh?

Serenity soars through space, past a rainbow-colored planet. Suddenly, the camera starts hurtling toward the ship, passing through the wiring and ducts, stopping with a strange "schoop!" sound effect at a mesh grid in the ceiling overlooking River's bed. She lies there with her eyes closed. We hear the muttering of voices as Radio KRZY prepares for its evening broadcast. River opens her eyes as a man's voice declares, "We're all just floating." Not for long. Sorry. All my gay jokes are likely to be replaced with cancellation jokes in this recap. I'm not sure whether you'll find that an improvement or not.

River slides open the door to her quarters and wanders out into the common area, where Simon and Kaylee are hanging out, talking. Simon's telling Kaylee a story about how he and some other guys who had just made surgeon pulled some stunt where they stood around naked on a statue of Hippocrates and sang. And they took turns sitting on his caduceus. Okay, maybe a couple of gay jokes. Simon's sitting on the couch in total casual attire -- just a long-sleeved shirt and some Old Navy cargo pants. I miss the vests. Kaylee's resting with her legs in his lap. Neither of them seems to notice River. She teases him about imagining him naked in a flirtation that's about as subtle as offering him a blowjob. She tickles his face with her bare foot. Ew. Simon pretends that he's not repulsed at a girl touching him (with her foot! Ew!) and explains how the feds showed up when he started singing. He claims they were just singing the national anthem. I'm thinking it was something by Freddie Mercury. Simon and Kaylee giggle until Simon notices River standing there. There's a slight whooshing sound effect and a quick cut; suddenly Simon and Kaylee are looking at her, stone-faced. Simon says, "I would be there right now." Then suddenly we cut back to Simon and Kaylee laughing some more. River turns and walks up some stairs, looking a little hurt, as Simon tells Kaylee about bribing the feds not tell his dad about his gay surgeon orgy. I thought River wasn't allowed to leave the room?

River heads down a corridor in her pretty pink sundress, barefoot. She wanders into the mess area, where Book and Jayne are talking about the fact that Book's taken a vow of chastity. Jayne is cooking and wearing a little apron. See, I told you he's total bottom. Jayne is predictably appalled at the idea of giving up sex. He asks Book if he's still got his goodies. Please don't talk about Book's goodies. Book says he does. Can we leave it at that and move on? Jayne asks about Book's urges. Book says that he directs his urges elsewhere. Jayne responds, "You mean like masturbatin'?" Gah. How is it that I've gone blind? River starts walking up to them as they discuss the risible idea of Jayne joining an Order. I think Jayne would have some interesting sermons. And the collection plate would be passed around at gunpoint. Suddenly, Jayne turns to River and says, "The money was too good. I got stupid." This was the exact thing he said to Mal when he admitted his betrayal in "Ariel." Book angrily spits at River, "I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not. So where does that put you?" Cancelled. Oh, sorry. Suddenly they're laughing again, and River walks away in shock as the two of them ignore her and discuss the potential future sainthood of Jayne. No, see, we worship him because he's not a saint.

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