Our Mrs. Reynolds

Episode Report Card
Shack: B | 7 USERS: D+
The old maul-and-chain

Saffron stands up, showing the whole Spice Channel, as it were, and says, "If I'm wed, I am a woman, and I'll take your leave to be bold." She walks towards Mal and says, "I want this. I swell to think of you in me." And that would be the point where I'd burst into a helpless fit of laughter, completely ruining the moment. What awful dialogue. "Swell"? Mal, though, is entranced. And aroused, which Saffron makes a note of. Ew. You are watching FOX! Saffron tells Mal to leave her at the next port and don't look back, but begs him to have her "wedding night." She leans against Mal. Mal says, "Oh, I'm going to the special hell." Then they kiss. Mal pulls away after a second to explain why they can't, and then they start kissing some more. And some more. Then he pulls back and looks back at Saffron in confusion. He mutters, "Son of a…," and then faints. Saffron looks at him on the floor and whispers, "'Night, sweetie." Wow, all this time and we've finally hit the central conflict.

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When we return, Wash is piloting alone up on the bridge. Well, not entirely alone; he's got his little plastic stegosaurus to keep him company. And Saffron, who meekly wanders by and asks to join him. She says she's never been off-world before and stares out at the stars. Wash backgrounds that he grew up on a world with pollution so thick that he couldn't even see the stars. I thought they said they "used up" Earth? He jokes, "Sometimes I think I entered flight school to see what everyone was talking about." Saffron slides the door to the bridge shut. She explains that will drown out the noise of the ship (and "the crew bickering at each other") and pulls Wash out of his seat. She drags Wash up next to him and asks him if he knows the "Myth of Earth-that-was." Oh, what a very Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome thing to say. She relates a story about the formation of the earth that is somehow about sex. She explains that originally, the earth had no sky and was "open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her, making the oceans boil with sensation." When all those meteorites had successfully titillated Earth's g-spots, she had some sort of planetary orgasm and "Puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky." Then she had a cigarette and complained that meteors never want to cuddle afterwards.

Wash is turned on at this whole idiotic story. He says, "Good myth." Saffron explains that he saw nothing but "roofs and steeples and the cellar door." No walls apparently on Triumph. Just roofs and doors. She stares longingly into Wash's eyes and explains that she'll be going back to that planet-bound life in a few days, but begs him to "show [her] the stars." In his pants. Wash mutters something in Chinese ("Is there a library in the river?"), then uncomfortably wishes he were somebody else right now. He explains to Saffron that he's married and "madly in love with a woman who can kill [him] with a pinky." Saffron apologizes that she was too forward. Wash agrees that she was, but explains that's what he likes in a woman, which is how he ended up with Zoe in the first place. Saffron coyly notes that Zoe didn't seem to treat Wash with much respect. Wash responds, "Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance." The meek nerd with the statuesque beauty? Oh, everybody who knows sci-fi gets that. And everybody who knows beer commercials. And everybody who knows heterosexual men in general. Wash smiles insincerely and comments that it's getting hot in here. But he doesn't want to take his clothes off or anything. Absolutely not. He turns around to slide the door to the bridge back open. Saffron observes that Wash loves Zoe very much. Wash says that he definitely does. He starts telling the story of how he first met her as he turns his back to Saffron to slide the door back open. Saffron then rolls her eyes at the general vicinity of the camera (I feel you, villain-babe), and then kicks Wash in the back of the head, knocking him out. She pulls his unconscious body out of the bridge and locks the door.

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