Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 4 USERS: F
A River Runs From It

Anyway, where were we? Daddy Tam asks for some quiet from his two young geniuses so that he can read his newspaper, which is apparently written in Chinese. If my translation is correct, the name of the paper is The Daily Radish. Daddy Tam's request for quiet serves as an ironic segue to the present on Serenity, where adult River is shrieking and freaking out as Simon tries to calm her down. Simon has been trying to get River into the medical bay, but she refuses to go in. She plops down on the sofa outside and declares that he can't just "stick twenty needles in [her] eyes, then ask [her] what [she] sees." I'm sure he wouldn't even have to. Just ask one of our recappers what it's like. I'm sure several of us have had that same experience, except usually self-inflicted. I'd start with Cate, then perhaps Jessica, and maybe Deborah. Simon closes the doors to the bay and tries to calm her down by saying they won't have any tests today. River spits out fake profanities and bitches about people forcing her to dress up like a doll. Simon tries to give her something to calm her down, but she picks up his Fisher Price My First Medical Kit and tosses it across the room. It lands near a stairwell, where Mal just so happens to be walking down.

River sees Mal and says, "You're not him." Then she says something lengthy in Chinese. ("Reach thousands of listeners through advertisements on radio KRZY. For everything from tinfoil hats to perpetual motion machines, reach the most paranoid, yet also the most gullible, consumers in the galaxy.") Simon apologizes to Mal as he cleans up River's mess, explaining that it's a bad day. Mal says that a real bad day is when somebody spooks the cattle they've got holed up in the cargo bay. He explains that if they stampede, they've got nowhere to stampede to, and it turns into a sort of meat grinder. Simon says that River's been nowhere near the cattle. Mal points out that River's voice tends to carry. Yeah, we've all noticed -- all the way across the galaxy, back through time, and right into our tortured eardrums. They're about to land. Mal explains that as soon as they unload, River can scream and shriek as much as she likes, though he would appreciate it if she didn't. River responds calmly, "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vacuuming systems." And you get that with the new E-Z-Bleeder! Is your obsessive-compulsive disorder interfering with your psychotic murderous rampages? Get the E-Z-Bleeder and say goodbye to bloody messes. And that incriminating evidence! Call KRZY now and place your order. A free box of surgical gloves to the next fifty orders.

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