Episode Report Card
Shack: B- | 4 USERS: F
A River Runs From It

Kaylee turns away from the duck and picks up a plate with some sort of Asian-style painting on it. She asks Inara if it would make a good gift. For whom? For Simon, of course. Honey, if you're thinking of buying Simon table settings, it means that deep down, you know he's gay. Kaylee says that Simon's just so "swai" ("gay") that she could just "take a bite out of him all over." Who knew that Kaylee would have a fetish in common with Marv Albert? Inara interrupts Kaylee's naughty cannibalistic musings to point out that Simon has just wandered in with River in tow. Kaylee tells Simon that she doesn't see him off the ship much, as River goggles at the driftwood clocks and seashell wind chimes. River is drawn to a post-hole digger for some crazy reason, because she's crazy. Also, she's getting psychic messages from Foreshadowing. Simon pulls her away from the landscaping tools, because they're dirty and sharp and they have a man who comes by every morning to do that for them. Simon used to stare out the window and watch him work, and that's when he realized he wasn't like the other boys.

Simon pulls River over to the all dishes and bowls next to Kaylee. He looks over the plate that Kaylee was considering as a gift for him. He dismissively says, "Good God! They're asking money for this crap?" Kaylee's smile drops a notch. Fussy queens are so hard to shop for. Simon follows River around the store like a mom making sure her toddler doesn't drool all over everything, as Kaylee says it must be "fun" for the two of them to get some time away from the ship. Simon rants, "Fun? Right, yeah. I consider this fun. It's fun being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy, to get to live on a piece of luh-suh ['nearly cancelled'] wreck, to eat molded protein, and be bullied around by our boo-tai jung-tzhang-duh ['bootylicious stud-puppet'] of a captain." Kaylee, of course, focuses only on Simon's slur against the ship and insists that Serenity isn't a wreck. Simon realizes that he inadvertently insulted Kaylee during his rant and tries that whole "I didn't mean it" thing, but Kaylee believes that he did. Simon goes for condescending and tries to tell Kaylee that he was being "ironic," but Kaylee isn't a character on Dawson's Creek and knows what "ironic" actually means, and knows that Simon was actually just being mean. She concludes, "If that's what you think of this life, then you can't think much of them that choose it, can you?" She stalks out. Inara gives Simon an "if you were a companion, you would learn to suppress your dislike of the lower classes, like I did" look before walking out to join Kaylee. The Tinkly Piano Of Poor Space Trash Have A Right To Be Happy, Too plays as Simon ponders his insensitivity, then turns around to see that River has disappeared. Oops. He rushes out of the gift shop.

Back at the ship, Mal mutters that this is the last time they'll move cows. He yells out to Zoe that they mentioned something about beagles, and asks if their poo is smaller. Just don't feed them cheese. Zoe tells him that this is the case, and adds, "Your disreputable men are here." Mal heads down the hill Serenity is parked on toward the corral and responds, "Better go take their money, then."

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