The Train Job

Episode Report Card
Shack: C | 11 USERS: C+
Confederacy Of Dunces

Commercials. We return to the looming Alliance base. You know, I can see the appeal of living in poverty on the fringes of society if the alternative is to go around dressed like a bellboy. That appears to be the official uniform of the Alliance drones, as they buzz around some command center. A drone fills in the head bellboy about the theft of the medicine. The planet, by the way, is located in the "Georgia System." Do you get it? Do you? Do you? The medicine is something called Pescaline D. Head Bellboy exposits that it will be worth a lot of money on the black market. He orders the drone to tell the local authorities to handle it. The drone points out that there is a regiment of soldiers who were on the train at the time, on their way out to some installation. So it wasn't even an unusual event that there were soldiers on the train? Our anti-heroes aren't exactly burdened with an abundance of over-education, either, are they? Head Bellboy orders that the soldiers get back on the train and get it moving again. Drone explains that the local sheriff has asked for the soldiers' help in recovering the medicine. Head Bellboy doesn't care. Small-town sheriffs are lousy tippers. They can deal with their own problems.

Meanwhile, the ship -- oh, fuck it again; the ship is named Serenity -- has landed somewhere other than the appropriate rendezvous point. We know this because Jayne is sitting in the medical bay, having a fit about it while Simon tries to treat his wounds. Everybody is there. Wash and Jayne argue. Wash doesn't want to go anywhere until he recovers his wife. Jayne points out that Niska isn't known for his patience. Jayne tries to get up to leave, but he's still in too much pain and Simon hasn't stopped fondling him. Or treating him. Whichever. Simon goes through some medical supplies and worries out loud that the Alliance will find them when they look for the stolen goods. Wash assures him that they'll be able to hear any Alliance ships coming long before they get there. River decides to disrupt the flow of the argument with some of her nonsense. She starts sing-songing, "They won't stop…won't stop…they'll just keep coming until they get what you took. Two by two…hands of blue…two by two…hands of blue." Jayne speaks for the viewers by spitting out, "How's about you shut that crazy mouth? Is that a fun game?" I'll put up with River as long as they keep Jayne around to tell her to shut up for me. Jayne Al Haigs some more that "[he's] in rutting charge." "Rutting"? Frell that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I intend to do my part to make sure the verb "to fuck" and all of its conjugations remains in our vocabulary for as long as possible. Jayne tells the gathered folks that Niska will turn them all into "meat pies" if they don't make the rendezvous. Simon heads back to Jayne and injects something into his arm as Book points out that Niska will be expecting the captain, and there may be bad consequences if Niska finds out that Mal is being held and could reveal who hired him. Book suggests that it would be better to be a little late than the alternative.

Back on Paradiso (oh, the irony), folks are gathered around in a dank hall, sputtering and coughing and being all sick. Mal and Zoe sit on a bench and watch everybody being sick. Mal calls it a nightmare. Zoe points out that there's no evidence that they were involved, but that's not what he means. Because he's a soft-hearted, hard-bitten cynic with a heart of gold. He tells Zoe, "No matter what happens, remember that I love you?" Zoe looks at him in confusion and asks, "Sir?" See, this was Mal's clever way of telling Zoe to pretend that they're a married couple. Zoe responds, "Right. Sir. Honey."

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