Firefly
Trash

Episode Report Card
Shack: C+ | 15 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Even Nathan's naked ass couldn't save them.

Huge megaprops to Darlong for burning and sending me DVDs of the three unaired episodes of Firefly. I hope these recaps make it worth your while when the copyright stormtroopers burst into your house and drag you away. Just kidding. I hope.

Previously: The show was cancelled. Inara was a whore. Whooooore! Saffron was the Catwoman of the future. River was crazy, and Jayne tried to sell her and Simon out to the Alliance. He failed, and Mal nearly killed him, but didn't, because the show was a tough enough sell as it was without losing Adam Baldwin.

We open up with a view of my backyard. Actually, it's a desert planet somewhere that just happens to look like my backyard. However, unlike in my backyard, there's a man sitting naked on a rock. Wait, let me go check. No, no naked men in my backyard. Dammit. It's Mal, just sitting there. We pan in slowly so that we can absorb the nakedness of Mal. Nathan Fillion has some sort of tattoo on his right thigh, but I can't make out what it is. After we've all fully understood that Mal is naked, right here on our television (though we can't see any naughty bits), he declares to nobody in particular, "Yeah, that went well." Oh, I guess they all lost more than their shirts when they tried to negotiate a full season with FOX.

Then we flash back to seventy-two hours earlier so we can uncover this chain of events that led to Mal being naked in the desert. Maybe this episode is meant as a "how to" guide? We're at some darkened…place…where it looks like goods are being unloaded from a ship. People mill around boxes and such. Mal wanders by and is greeted by the great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of David Crosby. This guy is named Monty. He greets Mal with a big bear hug. They have a manly conversation about being smugglers and stuff. Monty shaved off his beard. Fascinating. Plot? Plot? Where you, my little Plot? Oh, there you are, hiding behind one of the crates. Come out here and move things along, would you? It turns out that Monty shaved off his beard because his new wife, Bridget, didn't like it. Mal congratulates Monty for the wedded bliss. Monty calls Bridget out to meet Mal. They chat some more, and apparently Bridget has the power of teleportation, because suddenly she's right there at Monty's side without Mal having seen her get there. Oh, and she's actually Saffron, which might have been a surprise if they hadn't put her in the previouslies. But of course, if they hadn't put her in the previouslies, people wouldn't have understood the next ten minutes. Except that the next ten minutes also explain everything about Mal's previous encounter with Saffron anyway to people who haven't seen "Our Mrs. Reynolds," so there was no need to ruin the surprise.

Anyway, Saffron's wearing an innocent Western virgin "only whores show their shoulders or calves" dress. The second she recognizes Mal, she turns and snatches a gun out of a holster of a man who is conveniently passing by and trains the gun on Mal. Mal pulls out his gun and trains it on her at the same time. Monty regards the pair of them for a moment, then says, "So, you guys have met?"

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Firefly

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