Episode Report Card
Shack: C+ | 7 USERS: D+
Even Nathan's naked ass couldn't save them.

Oh, look! There's Simon and River. My God, it's nearly halfway through the episode and their subplot is just getting started. Jayne has joined them in their quarters so we can get some additional UST between him and Simon. It looks like Simon fell into The Gap and has abandoned the shiny vests entirely. A shame, that. I liked the vests. Jayne drops off some foil food packages for the Wonder Twins and explains that Mal wants them to stay in their quarters for the duration. He's worried that Saffron would turn the two of them in for the bounty if she figures out who they are. Simon mutters that the bounty on them keeps getting more exciting. Jayne says, "Oh, I wouldn't know." River declares, "She's a liar." Jayne says that doesn't exactly make Saffron different from the rest of the crew. River repeats, "She's a liar, and no good will come of her." Jayne says, "Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted." Why am I suddenly imagining Jayne with his own little Mr. Hat puppet? River smirks and tilts her head as she says, "Jayne is a girl's name." Jayne takes offense to this and threatens to show River that he doesn't have girl parts. He even sticks a hand down his pants. Simon pretends that he's disgusted at the idea of Jayne showing him his parts. He's not very convincing. Jayne pulls a deck of cards and snarks that he was going to leave them behind as well, but takes them with him when he slides the door to the quarters shut.

After Jayne leaves, Simon sits on the bed and mutters about "more adventures in sitting." River mentions something about being afraid, but Simon assures her they'll be fine. River clarifies that Jayne's the one who's afraid. Simon is amused at the idea that his favorite strapping man-ape gone wrong would be afraid. River says that Jayne's been afraid "since Ariel. Afraid we'll know." Simon's smile fades to concern as he puts two and two together, and, unlike Jayne, comes up with four.

Elsewhere, Zoe and Inara run into each other on a catwalk because they can never get enough exposition. Zoe gives Inara their timetable. Inara reveals she's got some clients on Bellerophon. Well, then, what is she bitching about? Oh, right: UST. Nothing you do makes any logical sense when you're trapped in the thrall of the UST. It creates conflict for no reason in order to live. UST: the Big Bad of television writing. Actually, there is a reason for all this, we find out later, but the reason is stupid. Saffron happens by and hides behind a door to spy on the conversation. Inara is certain that Saffron is lying about everything and that Mal is going to get burned. Then she figures that Mal deserves it, because, you know, Mal hardly ever gets burned during his cockamamie schemes. Inara tells Zoe to be careful, because, you know, she's normally so casual about everything. I think the Plot has run off again and is hiding behind the washing machine. After the two women wander off, Mal calls Saffron back from some hallway to come help him with something.

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