Firefly
War Stories

Episode Report Card
Shack: C+ | 5 USERS: D
YOU GRADE IT
Girl-on-girl action! Woooo!

We cut to an exterior shot of Serenity, flying around some red planet. Then there are some weird high-speed zoom cuts around the planet, stopping briefly to show us an asteroid belt for some inexplicable reason, before finally coming to a dizzying halt at an orbiting space station. Vaguely sinister Eastern European music begins to play, and even if I hadn't read the episode listings, I'd know exactly where this was going, so my eyes are already on standby to proceed with the rolling.

We cut inside a dusty room on the station, where a man is tied up and getting whipped by a strapping young skinhead. A Real Player clip of this lashing is going to show up on a gay skinhead BDSM Yahoo Group. Standing next to the skinhead, watching, is Niska. Niska orders the skinhead to stop so that he can Boris Badenov some exposition about why this guy's being tortured. He vas skeeeming frrrom prrrrotection fund. If Niska's the most nefarious crime lord in the hinterplanets, then why would his minions be so stupid? Niska takes a fancy knife from the skinhead and anvils to us, "Now veee get to the real questions, about who you trrruly are." Fortunately for Niska's idiot minion, they're interrupted by another skinhead (this one's black, so it's not a racial thing), with some news. Niska gets angry, but the skinhead explains that long-range scanners have picked up a ship that they think may be Serenity. Niska is excited at this news. He orders the skinhead to put together a team of men to bring Mal to him. Sadly for Idiot Minion, this hasn't distracted Niska from the interrogation at hand. Niska approaches the bleeding man and slashes his torso with the knife. For some reason, the knife sounds like it's striking metal when it stabs him. In case you just don't get it, Niska takes us out of the prologue by asking Idiot Minion if he's familiar with the works of Shan Yu.

Credits. You can't take the lye from me. I need it to scrub out my brain after this commercial for Joe Millionaire. Are we supposed to allow the show and this Joe Millionaire guy to seize the moral high ground over these alleged gold diggers after they lied about who he is? Even if I really did like the guy and didn't care about his money, I wouldn't have anything to do with him once I found out about the deception. Like I would ever be with somebody who felt the need to "test" my virtue. And why are they using the theme from Hook in the commercial? And why am I even caring about a show that praises its own repulsiveness in its promo?

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Firefly

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