First Years
The First Thing You Do…

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Pride and Prejudice

Lena Horne croons, "It's very clear, our love is here to stay. Not for a year, forever and a day --" which always reminds me of Billy Crystal making out with that chick at the University of Chicago when Meg Ryan drives up and starts laying on the horn before they fall in love. No such pure love is happening in this scene. Anna is pinning up her hair and says, "My panties! Where are my panties?" Why does she have to say it out loud? So we'll know she had sex, of course. The camera pulls back, and we see a messy room with a guy lying face down in the bed. The fact that there are clothes strewn all over the room and that the guy is naked (naturally) and twisted up in the sheets with his head where his feet should be should tell us that they had wild sex last night. Either that, or he's dead. But if we still didn't catch on, Anna frantically gets dressed and looks for her "panties." She manages to say "panties" five times in twenty seconds. I timed it. She searches under the bed, pillows, naked guy, and even manages to look up to the ceiling. Ewww. If they're stuck up there, I don't think she'd want them back. The phone in the room begins to ring as Anna mutters that she can't be late for work. "Sean?" she says to the naked guy, "Sam?" O-ho! She doesn't even know his name. More gender-swapping roles for Samantha Mathis. First the belching contest and now this. The answering machine comes on and says, "Hi, this is Steven, I'm on break now --" "Steven!" Anna says in a Eureka-esque tone and tries to shake him awake. But he appears drugged and doesn't twitch a muscle. Anna glances at her watch and gives up, whining, "Those were my favorite panties." Can I just say how much I've always hated that word? "Panties." It just sounds vaguely indecent like they have to be made of lace and satin. Also, it's so nasal. Peen-tees. Look in a mirror when you say it -- you screw up your nose and curl your lip back. It's not attractive. Briefs, underwear, undies, knickers -- anything is better than panties.

The first-years are assembling in a dark and impressive office. It's even more impressive because there are two separate doorways to allow entrance into this Star Chamber. The boys come through one of them. "Elbow-grease," Shaggy is saying, "explain that one to me." "Uh, I dunno," PlasticMan answers. Anna trots in through the other doorway -- breathless, of course. "Hi," she breathes, flings herself into a chair, and gasps. "Cold chair!" she explains, which of course doesn't explain anything to the guys, but we are in on the secret. See, it's cold because she's not wearing panties. Isn't that just too Sharon Stone for words? The camera pans down, allowing us to see her shapely legs, which she crosses as she tugs at the already short-short hemline of her skirt. "I can't believe O'Donnell's back so soon," she says. "Yeah, we hear he's taking it really hard," Andy Moffat says. "Oh, yeah, it's a terrible shame," Joe says, standing behind the boss's empty chair. "I mean, it's tragic. I mean, it's really sad --" he pauses and shakes his head. "Not sincere enough, huh?" Joe asks the group. "Try not smiling when you say it," PlasticMan suggests. "Dig your nails into your arm," Anna offers. "Stare at the ground and don't say a word," Shaggy says finally. "I just feel really bad about it," Joe says, arms crossed, eyes on the ground. Everyone but Shaggy agrees that he's much more believable that time. O'Donnell walks in, broodily wearing all black, and flings himself into a chair without making eye contact with any of them. "My ex-wife," he begins looking at his hands, "ah, a lovely woman, was going to marry this really wonderful guy, Dr. Heineman. A good man. You know what he did?" Sensing it's a rhetorical question, the first years are silent. O'Donnell continues, "He left her standing at the altar." The camera pans to Anna, the only woman in the room, who bows her head in sympathy with the jilted bride because, you know, it's every woman's worst nightmare. Whatever. "So now, as a result, I'm back letting that vindictive, cold-hearted, she-devil, spawn of Satan suck my bank account dry. We're filing a complaint," O'Donnell finishes. So, he's filing suit because she wants alimony again from him? Isn't she legally entitled to that? All the first-years give each other tentative looks. O'Donnell rethinks what he said: "All right, this is crazy, right? I mean, I've just gone completely too far. I mean, a lawsuit like this would completely destroy this man's life. I mean, I'm a very good lawyer." I mean, this show really sucks, right? I mean, I can't believe someone actually paid money to get this on the air. Joe leans over O'Donnell and shows him a file: "This is what you paid her last month in wardrobe expenses." That convinces O'Donnell. He points at Anna and PlasticMan: "Okay, you two draft a complaint, okay? Breach of contract, promissory fraud, intentional infliction of emotional distress." Anna and PlasticMan take notes. "You two check for previous marriages, any history of medical malpractice," O'Donnell says, pointing at Shaggy and Andy Moffat. "Wait, wait, wait," O'Donnell says, having another change of heart, "I shouldn't be doing this." Joe shows him another listing: "Health club." "Okay, subpoena all his bank accounts, his children, his kids. [So are the 'kids' he's referring to goats, rather than the already-mentioned children? Script editing, please!] I want you to personally serve him with summons and a complaint. Which will not be easy because he knows we're coming after him," O'Donnell says, shaking his head. "And boy are we coming after him."

Anna and PlasticMan have a little tête-à-tête, where PlasticMan accuses her of wearing the same clothes from yesterday. "Trust me, I'm not wearing everything I wore yesterday," Anna says. Oh, just make an announcement over the P.A. system already: ANNA HAD SEX LAST NIGHT AND LOST HER FAVORITE PANTIES AS A RESULT! THAT IS ALL. Back-and-forth flirting, sexual non-tension, and PlasticMan (whom Anna calls "Miles," but it's too late) pronounces that she had sex last night. Anna tries to hedge, but PlasticMan says he'll ask Riley, who purportedly "can't keep a secret to save her life," so Anna admits to spending a "lovely night with a very nice gentleman." PlasticMan corrects her, saying she slept with "some computer marketing moron" she met at a bar. Anna gets mad that Riley "has the biggest mouth" and corrects him, saying she met him at a dinner party. "He should've been me!" PlasticMan says. Should I even bother mentioning how inappropriate this conversation is for the office? No? Okay, I won't. "He can't hurt me. Can you make that promise?" Anna asks him. Well, we knew this was coming. PlasticMan says he wasn't "the hurter last time." "And I was? Come on [oddly long pause -- trying to remember the character's name, eh, Samantha?]…Miles, I didn't hurt you, we both knew what that night was." "So you're telling me this is how you want it to be? You're free to do what you please with whomever you please?" "Yes," Anna says walking away. "And so am I?" PlasticMan asks. "No!" Anna says. "I didn't think so!" PlasticMan shouts and then looks around, belatedly aware that the WHOLE OFFICE COULD HEAR THEM.

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First Years




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