First Years
There's No Place Like Homo

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C | Grade It Now!
Another One Bites The Dust

So I made Mr. Keckler a promise that I'd admit something. After sampling a meatball, a hot pastrami, a Philly cheese steak, with the works, and an Italian, I will announce that Hoagie Haven has the best damn hoagies anywhere. ["That's goddamn right." -- Sars] However, come October, Dominick's of Ann Arbor will be considered a worthy contender.

Anna tries a few more last-ditch efforts to ethically win her case, but they fail. She looks out the office window and sees PlasticMan getting congratulated by everyone. Anna begs McDougal to be human and delivers an impassioned plea for him to invest in an old woman's quality of life. There's a long pause; McDougal smiles, and we are supposed to believe his hard heart has been melted by Anna's pure-hearted pleadings. But suddenly, we are thrown a curve as McDougal says, "Tell the old bitch to be out by the thirtieth," and gets up to leave. Wow, they, like, almost had me there. Just as McDougal walks out of her office, she says, "Oooh, oooow." McDougal turns around to face Anna's back. She rubs her neck and says, "This is has been a very stressful case, don't you think?" in bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp tones, "I could use a good --" turning around and narrowing her eyes at McDougal, "massage." McDougal looks scared. "Massage?" he squeaks. McDougal's lawyer looks confused. "Mm-hm. You wouldn't happen to know of any decent places, would you, Mr. McDougal? Say in Chinatown?" McDougal ignores his lawyer, who tries to get an explanation out of him. "You wouldn't," McDougal hazards. Anna raises a challenging eyebrow: "Wanna find out?" McDougal asks her what she's trying to pull. "Well, like I said, we both know what's going on here," Anna says. McDougal grinds his teeth.

Anna walks Mrs. Pilnick to the elevator. "How on earth did you change that man's mind?" Mrs. Pilnick asks. Anna tells her she just had to find a side of him to appeal to. "Well," Mrs. Pilnick says, "I have a house, you have cookies, and the world turns. Oh, I can't thank you enough," and she leans forward and kisses Anna on the cheek. "You can't spit in this country without a good lawyer and I was blessed." Anna holds her plate of cookies, which are cleverly disguised as brownies, and smiles at the closed elevator. O'Donnell creeps up behind her. "Congratulations, counselor, you won your case. Feeling good?" he twits and walks away.

Warren has his mother sign her will. "Seems so final," she says, and goes to get Warren's father. "I'm getting an award," Warren announces. "An award, that's nice," Patty Duke says. Warren explains who the award comes from, and tells her he hopes she and his father will come to the awards ceremony. Patty Duke looks at the invitation and asks why he's just telling her about it now. "Because it's from the Gay and Lesbian Legal Association," Warren says. "Oh, you did some work for those people?" Patty Duke says. "Mom, like I said," Warren says, not really saying anything. Patty Duke rambles on and on about how it was such a Christian thing for him to do something like that for "those people." Warren keeps saying, "Mom, I am those people," as Patty Duke rattles on about making tea, attempting to talk over him. Warren raises his voice: "Mom, listen to me!" Patty Duke asks him why he's doing this now. Warren says, "Because now it matters most." "I have maybe a year and a half left, Warren, I didn't need to know this," Patty Duke says. Warren says that his mom has always known this, "and since you threw me out of the house we've been playing this game." Patty Duke says that she didn't throw him out, "you chose to leave." "You were forcing me into therapy to make me straight," Warren tells her. "Mom, I'm not. I can't be and we have to stop pretending that I can. I feel like there's this part of my life that I have to hide from you and that means we can never be truly open." Patty Duke tells him they are open, and that he should keep his voice down because she doesn't want his father to know. "I already know!" Roy says, walking into the kitchen. "He's gay," Roy says, pointing a thumb at Warren, "and you think you're dying, and I just want to read my paper. Is that asking too much?" Roy walks out of the room. Warren calls after him, but Roy just waves an exasperated hand. "You see how you're breaking his heart?" Patty Duke says. "How?" Warren asks. "By wanting the two most important people in my life to know who I really am? I have the right to live the life I choose!" Patty Duke says they have the right to live their lives the way they choose, "and if that means going to my grave hanging onto the hope that before I get there I will see my son married to a woman -- why does your right supercede mine?" Warren just stares at her. "How dare you, Warren," she says. "You wanted honesty? Here it is: you're my firstborn child. You'll always be my baby and I love you, Warren" -- Patty Duke's face hardens -- "but I hate the fact that you're different. And it's too late to ask me to change that." "Then I won't," Warren says. "All I ask is that you be there for me at eight o'clock. Please come." Warren leaves. Patty Duke looks at the invitation.

PlasticMan is packing up files as Shaggy runs down with a wamperjawed tie. "Are we positive that we have to dress up for this thing?" Shaggy asks. "It's gay people, Egg, be glad there's not a theme," PlasticMan tells him. Shaggy asks Riley if his shirt goes with his tie. "If they both got lavender in them," Riley says fastening a bracelet. "Lavender?" Shaggy asks. "I thought this shirt was light blue." "Looks lavender to me," PlasticMan says. Shaggy says he's going to change. Anna walks in wearing an extremely loud orange sequined dress. "What color is this?" Shaggy asks Anna. "Gay," Anna says. Oh, aren't they the witty ones? Anna says she thinks she might not go to the banquet because she doesn't know if she can handle being around that many lawyers, "not after today." Anna goes on to tell PlasticMan that she lied to him, and she actually did use the dirt she found on McDougal to blackmail him. "And the worst part of it is, I don't know if I did it because I wanted to destroy the guy or because I wanted to win or because I'm jealous." PlasticMan says, "Well, maybe it's just one of those ends and means things." "Is this the lecture?" Anna asks tearfully. "No lecture," PlasticMan tells her. "You're beating yourself up already and Mrs. Pilnick gets to stay in her home, thanks to you, and if what you did was a mistake, if, then maybe it's a good thing that it happened now, so you learn something -- so next time you know. You're a good lawyer, Anna, and more importantly you're a good person," and PlasticMan finishes what sounded very much like a lecture and kisses her on the forehead. PlasticMan leaves the room. "Doesn't help, does it?" Riley asks. "No," Anna says, blubbering. They hug.

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First Years




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