First Years
There's No Place Like Homo

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Another One Bites The Dust

"What do you got, Alzheimer's?" a voice screams. The screamer checks out a blonde walking past the glass office wall before he turns back to Anna and her octogenarian client. "Look, two thousand in relocation fees is more generous than I have to be by law! And now you're hiring lawyers?" Anna's anti-client screams. Anna closes the office door as The Screaming Client's lawyer tries to get a word in, to no avail, as The Screamer keeps on: "Though, maybe 'lawyer' is too generous -- how old are you anyway?" Anna tells him that "[she's] going to ignore that." The Screamer says that she can't ignore the fact that he bought the house from the previous landlord, and the law says "[he] can kick her shriveled ass to the curb." Oh, he's so going down. Anna's client, a small, wizened woman, pleads, "I've been living there for thirty-six years, Mr. McDougal. My husband --" "Last I heard, your husband's dead!" The Screamer tells her. Screamer's lawyer again attempts to say something, again to no avail. Anna gives her client a glass of water. The Screamer asks Anna's client if she wants to "take [him] on," and if the rent board rules in her favor he'll just "make capital improvements on the place. New roof, new plumbing, new paint." Anna's client says they could "certainly use some new paint," in a weak but defiant tone. "And I'll make you pay for every damn penny of it!" The Screamer screams. Anna says she "doesn't think [he] even can do that" because of some debate over some proposition. The Screamer interrupts her, saying that until they resolve said debate, he can do whatever his pretty heart desires. The Screamer tells all assembled that his sister and brother-in-law are moving in on the first of the month. "Your brother-in-law the contractor?" Anna asks shrewdly. The Screamer's lawyer gives Anna a sideways look. The Screamer laughs and says yes, his BIL's a contractor, and "the Ellis Act says --" Anna interrupts him and says the Ellis Act says that one can evict a tenant only if they or an immediate family member is going to be living there. "Of course, in your case, that family member happens to be the same contractor who restored the last Victorian you bought and then quadrupled your investment when you sold. You're circumventing the law!" Screamer's lawyer starts to say, "Which technically --" "It's legal!" The Screamer shouts. "It's unethical," Anna says. Like that's going to go far with this guy. Oooh, ethics, scary. The Screamer says she's just wasting his time, and unless she can throw anything better at him, he's outta there. Then he gives Anna the creepy once-over: "Of course, I'd be willing to discuss this further over dinner." Weakly, Screamer's lawyer tries to intervene and is ignored. "'Cause, you might suck as a lawyer but I bet you're a good --" "Could we please just --" is all Anna gets out before Screaner says, "We're done!" and walks out, not even caring if his ineffectual lawyer is following. Anna slams the door after him, whirls around, and screams, "Oh, I'm so going to get that bastard!" and then realizes her words fell on senior-citizen ears. She starts to apologize, and her client says, "Why? He's a son of a bitch!" And we laugh, because an eighty-year-old cursing is funny.

Home Sweet Repressed Home. Andy Moffat is at his parents' house for dinner. Patty Duke tells her son (hah! it's her real son, isn't that funny? Well, isn't it? Isn't it??) that he didn't need to bring them flowers. "It's enough to have you home," she says as Andy looks at an old family picture. "We're not very fancy, are we Roy?" Patty Duke asks her husband as she places a plate of food (probably roast beef and mashed potatoes) in front of him. "Nothing fancy about us, Evelyn," Roy says with his nose buried in the paper at the dinner table. Since their clothes, kitchen, and food don't look like they've been updated since 1966, we can assume their prejudices haven't been either. Andy's mother tells him to hang up his coat, and says he looks pale. "Is anything wrong?" she asks. Andy walks to the anvil -- I mean, closet -- and tells her he's got a lot of extra work at the office. As he hangs up his coat, he knocks the bare hanging light bulb, which sets off a surreal flashback. As his mother's questioning about his dating life becomes a distant echo, Andy Moffat looks down and sees a little blond boy hiding behind the coats and wearing earrings and a fur stole with lipstick smeared across his mouth. The little boy looks up at his mother in fear. The little boy tries to smile, hoping his mother will smile back to show that everything is all right and she still loves him. The mother's face contorts in fear, disgust, and anger as she shuts the door on her little boy, leaving him in darkness.

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First Years

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