First Years
There's No Place Like Homo

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Another One Bites The Dust

Andy (okay, Warren) snaps out of it as his mother says, "Warren? Hello?" Warren turns around. "I asked if you're dating," Patty Duke tells him. Warrens stumbles over his words and tries to get something out as they sit down to eat. He picks up his utensils and says, "Mom there's something I want --" Patty Duke interrupts him and asks, "Don't you say grace anymore?" Oh, she's sneaky, pulling the old praying trick. Warren quickly says grace. "Amen," Patty Duke says. Roy doesn't say anything, just picks up his napkin. "Amen, Roy," Patty Duke says. Roy doesn't look up. "Ahh, man," he says. Okay, is that a joke? Is he teasing his son? Maybe he's cool. Patty Duke, she's not, but Roy, he is. Strangely, Warren seizes on that opportunity: "Speaking of which, um --" Again with the Patty Duke interruption. She tells him they need a favor. "I know that you're incredibly busy, but we thought now that you're a lawyer, you might help us write our wills," she says. "You don't already have wills?" Warren asks incredulously. Roy tells him to talk to the hand, because he's been trying to get Patty Duke to do it but she keeps putting it off. "Well, who wants to think about it?" Patty Duke asks, chewing through a particularly tough piece of contrivance. Patty Duke goes on to tell about a neighbor lady who died in testate and how much of a mess it made for her kids. "I want to be sure that you and your brother are taken care of," Patty Duke beams. Warren nods and says, "In addition to the wills, I think you should think about transferring your assets to a living trust -- that way you can avoid any probate issues." Patty Duke laughs and clasps her hands. "Isn't it adorable when he talks like a lawyer? Roy, did you hear that?" she asks her husband. "Yeah, I heard. Pass the butter," Roy says through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Oh, mashed potatoes. Meatloaf. Comfort food. MOM!! Warren tells his parents he can rearrange a few things and they can start tomorrow. Patty Duke tells him how proud they are of him. Warren gets teary. Roy looks over his Buddy Holly glasses in alarm at Warren. Warren starts to say something, but the words just come out wrong. So he had to say he loved them in a song. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon -- dear me, too many Time-Life "Singer-Songwriter" commercials for me. Patty Duke interrupts her son for like the umpteenth time and asks him the name of the girl he's dating. Warren pauses and looks at his dad, who cuts his meat and gives him a look. I think Roy's cool with it; it's just his wife who's a total freakshow. Warren loses his nerve and gives up. "Riley," he says. Patty Duke nods knowingly. "Riley," she repeats for Roy's benefit on the off-chance he suddenly went deaf. Roy looks at Warren, smiles perfunctorily, and takes a sip of ginger ale. Vernor's, probably. Best kind there is. Don't you love it when the first sip always makes you cough because you inhale all that fizz as soon as you raise the glass to your lips? Good times. Good times. Just wondering about something -- wouldn't they think the name Riley is kind of masculine?

Taco Bell. Mmmm. What's the deal, have I eaten yet? Oh, right, Stouffer's mac and cheese with brown crackly bits. Stouffer's, mmmm. ["Stouffer's does make a mean mac and cheese. Mmm. Cheddar. And no, we don't work for them now." -- Sars]

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First Years

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