First Years
There's No Place Like Homo

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C | Grade It Now!
Another One Bites The Dust

Warren tidies up his office in prep for his parents' arrival. "Whitney Houston CDs, A & F Quarterly, Hero magazine -- okay, what else?" he asks Shaggy, who's paging through something glossy. "As long as we're degaying [I would just like to insert a non-heh to that], the Queer as Folk recaps on Mighty Big TV are probably a tip-off," Shaggy says. But what comes out of his other mouth is actually referring to a QaF desk calendar. Hey, you have your reality, and on Monday nights, I have mine, okay? Warren shoves this little piece of eye candy away just as his parents round the corner. "Warren? You never told us it was so nice!" Patty Duke says. Warren starts panting suddenly as he hugs his mother, and asks where his dad is. What is with all the panting in this episode? Patty Duke tells him Roy is in the "little boys' room." Then she acts like any other mother and busts out the TMI: "You know, his irritable bowel." Shaggy introduces himself. "Oh, Warren's football buddy!" Patty Duke exclaims. Shaggy looks at Warren: "Football buddy?" Warren thinks fast, cursing his mother for remembering some useless piece of info like that rather than something more important like, I don't know, the fact that he's GAY? Warren cajoles Shaggy, "Yeah, uh, you know, the time we went to that game." Before we get into remarks about butt-slapping and who played quarterback to whose tight end, Warren asks Shaggy if he's got a deposition to be late for. Shaggy takes off. "It's very nice to meet you, you must be very proud," he tells Patty Duke. "Oh, yes!" Patty Duke says from her powder blue twinset. Then Shaggy makes a face that is actually pretty funny, and it made me snort out loud. To an empty room. Plus cat. I must be in high spirits because, as of today, this show is picking out a nice satin-lined casket. Something quiet, oak, nothing too flashy like mahogany with gold handles. Classy. Tasteful. Dead. Patty Duke says tells Warren that before Roy is finished arguing with his bowel, she wants to tell him about a "little savings account" that he knows nothing about. Warren asks her what it's for. "For the grandchildren!" she says brightly. Warren reminds her she doesn't have any. "Well, between your brother and you --" Patty Duke says. Warren again tries to tell her he's gay, and guess what? He DOESN'T! Instead he says he's thinking of having a vasectomy. No, really, he does say that. Patty Duke even says, "Oh, stop it, silly!" You don't believe me? What have I done to lose your trust? (Sigh.) Well, if you want the tape to prove it, I'm auctioning it on eBay for five big ones. Hefeweizen, that is. Five big hefeweizen. Okay, on task. On task, only one more night to go and I'm off to tropical Princeton for the weekend. "One other thing," Patty Duke says, walking around the office. "If your father remarries, I want to make sure that whoever she's desperate enough to be, I don't want her getting her grubby little hands on it." Interesting that she passed by that well-hung photo of Warren's and didn't say a word. Hmph! Guess she wouldn't get the whole "art reflects life" thing. Roy walks in, marveling over the "real marble" in the little boys' room. "Let's get started," Warren says.

We get a glimpse of a quirky and familiar face. Of course, the P.I. from last week -- didn't I say he'd be a recurring character? "Mr. Wad?" Anna says, sticking out her hand. "Dick!" P.I. Wad insists. Okay, we get it: Dick Wad. And now for some more sixth-grade humor. Anna asks him what he's got. "Works out at Body Boutique, digs Thai food, Frappuccino, white tulips and Dave Matthews -- how'm I doing?" Anna tells him that's all about her. But isn't everything, honey? Dick Wad laughs and says he's just showing off. And I notice that he's got a forehead and chin that would put Dawson to shame. But you know, it works on him, 'cause he's got the whole quirky, self-deprecating, retro thing going, and Dawson's greased up with the whole Ego, Id, Old Navy and Super Ego thing. Turns out Mr. McDougal is a loser through and through. (Like we needed a dickwad to tell us that.) He's got a wife. But he also visits a certain "massage parlor" in Chinatown. "Take a look at the 23rd," Mr. "Call Me Dick" Wad says. "Three times in one day? Ew!" Anna shudders. Apparently his wife wouldn't care, but his father-in-law would. Anna asks how they can know that it's not "just a massage parlor," and P.I. Dick Wad tells her he confirmed his suspicions. I'm not going to ask how, no I am not! Anna ponders.

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First Years




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