First Years
There's No Place Like Homo

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Another One Bites The Dust

Patty Duke presses some leftovers on her son: "If it stays here, your father will eat it and with his cholesterol --" Warren thanks her and tells her to look over the drafts and tell him what she thinks. "And can you say goodnight to Dad for me?" Warren says. "Yes, as soon as he gets out of the bathroom," she tells him. They laugh at Roy's irritable bowel. Patty Duke thanks her son warmly for all his "lawyer talk" help. "Mommy loves you," she tells him, stroking his face. Warren girds his loins one more time and tells her, "Mom, we gotta stop this." Patty Duke plays dumb. Warren perseveres and tells her they can't go through the motions of saying they love each other and pretending that everything's okay. "But I do love you," Patty Duke says. Warren gets teary and asks, "Why is it so difficult for us to be truthful with each other?" Patty Duke finally nods and says she knows what this is all about. "You do?" Warren asks, "Oh, good." "I shouldn't have lied to you," Patty Duke says, completely throwing her son off-balance, "When you asked if everything's okay." Warren says, "Mom, what?" Patty Duke says she went to the doctor, and shrugs that "he found something, looks like I'm dying." Warren's lip trembles dangerously, and it looks like a good time to go to commercial. Is it? Oh, good. I have to check out the real marble in our bathroom.

Warren sits down with a glass of water and asks his mother if she was going to tell him. She tells him of course, but it's not as if she's going to die the next day. "This lymphoma," Warren says, "how long?" Patty Duke tells him it could be anywhere from one to ten years. "We don't know," she says as we hear a bathroom door (well, what other room would it be, since we are so intimately acquainted with Roy's bowels?) close. Roy comes into the living room. "Oh, you still here?" he asks vaguely. Warren starts to tell him what they were talking about, but Patty Duke interrupts him and says, "Pickles, he ran away last week. How upset we were." Warren looks at her incredulously. Roy snorts, "When he came back?" "Roy," Datty Puke says warningly. Roy holds up an "I gotcha" finger and chuckles, saying, "Sorry. Good night, Warren, drive safe." Notice how it's always dads who say "drive safe" and mothers who always say "be careful" or "call when you get home"? Warren waits until Roy is out of earshot and says, "You haven't told Dad?" Patty Duke says she hasn't found the right time. Yeah, what with her being so busy avoiding reality and all. Warren says they're supposed to be a family and she's walking around with an awful secret. "I didn't want to burden you, honey," Patty Duke says. Which is always the HUGE mistake parents make. Don't they realize how much more of a "burden" it is when the kids find out way too late? It's awful -- it makes it much, much worse than it needs to be. God forbid we children try that on them, we'd be slapped into the middle of next week! Patty Duke goes on and on about how Warren's young, successful, in the city, and since things are "good" right now, she didn't want to ruin that by being selfish. Get the hint she's pulverizing your head with, Warren?

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First Years

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