The show kicks off with the pledges admitting that Earl isn't exactly a ladies' man, which is hardly a CNN Special Report. We see Earl all giggly and stammering around that he can't believe he's about to tell twenty million viewers this -- but he's a virgin. A nation pauses to absorb this tragic news. Schoolgirls weep into their diaries, their tears blurring the ink that bore the words "I (Heart) Earl" as they realize that the stampede to be the one to snag MTV's most eligible virgin has just gone into full effect.
Paul's running around telling everyone to wake up for class, since he's the group leader for the week. Apparently, each week one of the guys has to be the designated responsible bastard around the house, and it's finally his turn. He admits that it's a tough job to hold down, but says he takes it seriously just like everything else he's ever accomplished. Tim thinks Paul needs to loosen up, and considers spiking his drink with a roofie. Paul never goes out with the other guys or bonds with them, which makes them all think that he might possibly be a successful achiever in life and not a true frat boy. Brad calls Paul a "Super Pledge." He says that every pledge class has a die-hard pledge, and this time it's Paul. Paul's hardcore. Paul's super. Paul has some fantastic abs. Then Brad just yanks it out of his pants and starts whipping it with his eyes rolling back in his head, moaning, "Paul...Paullll." Brad notices that the red light is still shining on the camera and quietly stuffs his pathetic meat biscuit back into his pants. Somebody points out that Paul is the "Mom" of the group, and Paul says that he's taking this pledging process more seriously than everyone else, and that he just doesn't want to be the only one left pledging. Is this a foreshadowing of things to come? Will Paul be the only one left to become a fraternity brother? Will they have to change the name of the show to Paul's Life? Will I get paid the full amount owed to me by TWoP if the show ends several episodes early because it all fell apart around Episode Eight? ["Hey, if Wendola got the full fee for Wasteland after it got yanked three episodes in, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Plus, MTV never ends any show before people get sick of it." -- Wing Chun]
Upstairs, the guys are supposed to be showering, but instead they're whipping each other with wet towels, which I always hated growing up. Those wet towels hurt. And believe me, I was never at the end of a good-natured wet towel whip. My wet towel whips were always punctuated with the phrase "Quit coming to school, you fat turd!" Ahhhh...memories. Anyway, we see Earl trying to whip Alex with a belt, but he's doing it like a little girl with a dislocated shoulder. Meanwhile, Paul's mopping the kitchen floor. The juxtaposition of these two scenes is way off: it's daytime when the whipping is going on outside the window, while it's nighttime when Paul's mopping the floor. It's like watching Plan 9 From Outer Space: The Television Series. Meanwhile, Tim is entertaining himself upstairs by shooting off a fire extinguisher in the shower stall in which Alex is trying to shower, leaving Alex gasping for breath. That Tim is becoming quite the prankster. And by "prankster," I mean "psychopathic asshole." Alex announces that he's going to throw up, which is becoming a regular thing for ol' Al. I think the guy might be bulimic.