The Toga Contest is held inside the Student Center, and as Alex is announced to the crowd, he rips his paper towel toga to shreds in a fit of inspiration. It seems like it takes him close to two hours to rip his toga off his body as we at home sit and wait patiently for his pipe-cleaner arms to get the job done. Meanwhile, Jarreau is in the audience, whistling and hooting for Alex. I may have jumped the gun on the whole "Jarreau is straight" theory because right now the boy looks as happy as Nathan Lane in a Greek bathhouse. So Alex is standing up on a crowded stage in his underwear while his peers look on. I have just described every sheet-soaking nightmare that I've ever had. Alex ends up winning the contest, a $200 cash prize. Alex thinks he's won the cash until George tells him that the fraternity gets the cash and Alex gets nothing. Alex grumbles, "Pledging is a bitch." Yep. And so is Nicole Kidman, pal.
Next, we see Alex on the phone with Lindsey as he discusses their relationship for the 3,652nd time. All the guys are mimicking Alex's phone conversations with Lindsey, adding a running commentary on the pattern each phone call takes. They illustrate how all the calls start out sweet, but quickly turn into arguments. Then it's a marathon session of Alex and Lindsey each trying to force the other to admit his or her love first; each pledge makes kissy-kissy noises into his imaginary phone. Earl says this is how every single call eventually goes. By this point, Alex is arguing with Lindsey over the phone and pleading with her to not fight the day before their anniversary. This guy wouldn't know what to do with his balls if he ever got any. Just tell the wench to get in the kitchen and bake you a pie and then hang up, dude. Problem solved.
Meanwhile, Tim and Steve are in the SUV, both on their cell phones, trying to track down a live chicken for a pet, because apparently that's allowed by the government of the city of Buffalo. Steve wants to paint the chicken gold, which causes MTV to post the disclaimer "It is inhumane to paint a chicken." Hell, it's inhumane to force my ass to watch this garbage each week, but I don't see any disclaimers announcing that. The two guys climb a fence and sneak into a farm as another disclaimer pops up, reminding the viewers at home, "Stealing a chicken is a misdemeanor with a maximum penalty of six months in jail, a $2,500 fine and probation." So you can have one as a house pet, no problem. Just don't steal it. Gotcha. Steve and Tim entertain the option of stealing a cow, as we're reminded, "Stealing a cow is a felony, punishable by 45 months of jail time, a $150,000 fine and three years probation." As it turns out, the farmer was awake and playing GWAR records backwards to try to conjure up Satan, so the boys hauled ass. We're then enlightened by the fact that trespassing on a farm is a $1,000 fine with possible probation. Steve admits that he's upset they didn't get a chicken because he was looking forward to having a chicken run through the frat house. At that moment, Brad pops up out of the back seat. He says he may not have a chicken or hen for the guys, but that he has managed to track down a huge cock for them. They decline his offer, and all three have a laugh over Brad's loony antics until Brad says, "No, seriously. I have a nice cock." There's a moment of silence and then more uproarious laughter from Tim and Steve.