Later, Alex is on the phone to Lindsey, telling her that if she's going to keep fighting with him throughout pledging, then maybe it's time they took a cue from Steve Perry, Journey, and their power ballad "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." Then Alex starts belting out the lyrics: "Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you, one night will remind you, how we touched and went our separate ways." He's pumping his fists in the air as he hits the high notes, and I've got to admit, the whole thing brought a tear to my eye.
All right, fine. That didn't happen. Alex throws the phone on the table in frustration and announces that he has taken enough shit from the fraternity brothers and all that shit has toughened him up so much that now he's a much stronger man who won't take any more of Lindsey's crap. He calls Lindsey back and says that he's letting go of their relationship. The relationship officially lasted a year and a day. Alex insists that this is a healthy break for both of them, and now he's decided to attach himself to the people who will be there for him, by which he means his fraternity brothers. He punctuates this revelation with a few bars from the theme song to Friends, but it's not nearly as exciting as the Journey tribute in my head. Alex says that he's learned a lot from Lindsey, but most important, he's learned that in a relationship, he still has to care for himself as well as the other person in order to make it worthwhile. He then hangs up, closing the door on a bizarre chapter of his already hellish young life. He walks into the hallway, announces that he's going to jerk off, and proceeds to do it in front of the other pledges.
All right, that didn't happen either. But this show is getting so damned boring I have to liven it up somehow for my own sordid amusement.
Next week: the boys get into some wacky hijinks as the girls from MTV's Sorority Life engage them in a war of trashing each other's houses. Stock up on the No-Doz for this one, my friend.