Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Uncle Bob and I have a confession to make: I was never in a fraternity.
It's been a little while since I left that hell that some refer to as "college," but I still remember my very first week of college and spending each night stumbling from frat house to frat house, drinking paper cups full of beer (even though I was three years away from reaching the legal drinking age) and being utterly amazed at the ratio of irresponsible assholes to normal cool guys. I was there for free beer. I didn't come because I wanted a lecture on the history of the organization and the meaning behind every single item hanging on the walls. Just keep that beer coming, Biff, and spare me the legacy of the plaque on the wall. So I stumbled away from my fraternity "experience" with the knowledge that I didn't want any part of it. If I wanted to be bored shitless by a bunch of stuffy assholes, I'd force myself to go to class.
Flash forward a few decades, and now I've been asked to watch a television show that celebrates fraternity life -- a show called Fraternity Life -- and contribute my two cents on the show. My two cents? The assholes that I met all those years ago were saints compared to these frat boys and sorority girls. That said, let the hate mail begin.
This MTV special -- which promises to give us some insight as to why someone at the company thought it might be entertaining to watch a show full of flaming asstards -- kicks off with our hosts, Candace and Becca. Those of you who followed the first season of Sorority Life will remember the two as the level-headed pledge and the evil bitchmeister of the sorority, respectively. The only difference between then and now is that Becca's lost about thirty pounds, while Candace's hips and gut have obviously found them. Candace's belly ring looks like it's about to pop out from the pressure she's putting on it. They're there to introduce us to the new casts of the shows Sorority Life and Fraternity Life and read some inane dialogue off cue cards to make them look natural in their conversation with each other. Candace says, "We're going to introduce you to the cast of...what's it called again, Becca?" Becca rolls her eyes and says, "Come on Candace, you know that our show was so popular that MTV thought it'd be smart to follow around a fraternity, too." I haven't seen acting this stiff since George Bush came on TV and said he grieved for the fallen astronauts of the space shuttle Columbia when George Bush doesn't even know what the words "space shuttle" mean. Candace can't understand how watching a house full of fraternity boys could possibly be more entertaining that watching a house full of sorority girls. Let the HoYay! begin! Pipe down Candace. Your strap-on is showing. Becca says that MTV has sent camera crews to the University of Buffalo and have been following the girls of the Delta Xi Omega sorority and the guys of the Sigma Chi Omega fraternity around because it sure beats the shit out of hanging out with P.Diddy for six weeks. After all, to an MTV cameraman, the risks of being in line of projectile vomiting far outweigh the risks of being shot by a rival rapper. The girls decide to grace the viewing audience at home with a sneak peek at the gals and guys who will be appearing in both shows. Blood begins seeping from Candace's belly ring as she explains all this.