As the last episode of the first season of Fraternity Life begins, I find myself shedding a tear. Not because the show is over for the time being, but because I had leftover onion residue on my hands and have been furiously rubbing my eyes. Anyway...previously on Fraternity Life, Steve pissed off Ron the Scary Alum by bringing women into the house and acting like a complete heterosexual. The nerve! He also threatened Earl when Earl wouldn't let him drive the SUV, calling him a "bleepitty bleeper." This caused the brothers to talk smack about him during a meeting with phrases like "He's lazy and ignorant and he just doesn't care" and "He had women in the house! Did you hear me? Women!" But don't think Steve's the only one on thin ice. Nope. Earl's made his share of enemies over the last seven weeks as well. He dared to say "Whatever!" to a brother who stole his cell phone, and then got chewed out at a line-up for being a screw-up. The way this preview has been edited, it almost makes you feel like one of the two won't be getting in to the fraternity. Yeah, I know. Commence gasping.
We get the requisite shots of Buffalo at night, sponsored by the Buffalo Area Chamber of Commerce. Tonight we even get a shot of a cat with radioactive eyes. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. Radioactive f'n eyes, I'm tellin' ya. It must have wandered up from Three Mile Island. Earl feels like he needs to write the brothers a letter of apology for being a massive human dildo for the past seven weeks. Which is kinda funny. Not laugh-out-loud funny, but peculiar, because during the last episode, Paul suggested to Earl that he write a letter and Earl said that wasn't happening. Now he wants to write a letter. Suddenly he's getting all Anne Frank on us, trying to save his ass. He says that he feels like he can "almost taste" what it's like to be a brother. You're right, Earl. That taste is the remnants of the spectacular rimjob that you recently performed on a peacefully sleeping Brad. Now you know exactly what it's like to be a brother.
Earl takes the letter over to the fraternity house, drops it off on the porch, rings the doorbell, and then runs like hell. We hear some brother who we haven't even seen up until this point reading the letter to the brothers. "The purpose of this letter is to explain what the pledge process has taught me," the nondescript brother reads, stumbling over the words that are longer than one syllable. "Since I've started pledging, I've realized that I've been close-minded and not exactly the best ass-kisser in the group. I realize now that it's all about the booty smoochin'. I'm a lousy booty smoocher. But hey...I lost my virginity to a horse-faced stripper around Week Three and I've developed some heinous sores on my Li'l Earl and my Mama's threatening to sue MTV for hooking me up with a whore. So as you can see, I've had a lot on my mind that didn't include sucking up to a bunch of closeted gay men in order to join their little Mickey Mouse club. But I promise to do better in the future if I even have a future with this parade of jackasses. Hugs and kisses, Earl. P.S. Steve sucks." All the brothers are sitting around, absorbing this horseshit with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for funerals. Jimmy says he liked the letter because it showed that Earl's moved from being a whiny little bitch into a guy that's ready for the fraternity. George says it's too little too late, and that Earl is about as useful as a pair of Brad's blood-soaked undies. Jimmy says that we'll just have to wait to see what happens. Great. Why couldn't they just tell us now, let the episode be five minutes long, and run a Shakira video marathon for the next twenty-five minutes? I curse you, MTV!