Fraternity Life
Northern Exposure

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Northern Exposure

Previously on Fraternity Life, Dan smartened up and got the hell out of this freakfest just in time to cop some smack and hole up in his dorm room, away from the cameras, the pledges, the brothers, and society. Mags bellowed the phrase "Do you think this is a joke that we make rules for you?" in a voice that sounded like Linda Blair being possessed by a moose with a bullhorn. And the pledges decided that if they're ever going to get through this pledging process, they must band together as one and be one giant collective dickhole. And they made me ashamed to be a man on more than one occasion.

The pledges are getting ready for a weekend retreat to Toronto. I may as well tell you now, this recap is bound to be shorter than normal this week because 90% of the dialogue in the episode is bleeped out. My guess is that the word "fuck" is thrown around like cheap beads in a Mardi Gras parade, but the censoring is so fast and furious that it comes across more as the producers calling for help in Morse Code than actual dialogue. George, the wacky pledgemaster with the heart of pewter, explains that the guys are being invited to Toronto for a weekend retreat. Yes, George, you baffling fuckmaster, I've already explained that. Jarreau pipes up that there's a task the guys must complete, and that if they can do that, then the weekend will be fun. He says this as he's packing a big tub of Crisco in his duffle bag. Alex is half dreading the trip and half looking forward to it. Kinda like having sex with a paraplegic. I mean...it's sex, so it's fun. But then you have that whole moral issue of whether you really want to stick around afterward to help her back into her wheelchair, plus deal with the fact that in your desperate attempt for sexual satisfaction, you just boinked a paraplegic. I mean...it's not exactly a Hallmark moment, y'know?

The guys meet up with the brothers. We see Flounder running around hugging everyone like we're all supposed to forget that he "blew them out" or whatever hell the phrase he used last week to insinuate that he was a fucking piece of rat shit that couldn't be trusted. George says that the goal of the weekend is to teach the pledges how to work together to achieve a common goal. Which, technically, they could have accomplished by just throwing them all into a circle jerk; they'd have saved a lot of money and still taught them the whole "common goal" thing. Mike -- the brother who wants to be loved but still has to overcome this whole "pompous ass wart" thing he's got going -- says that if a vote were taken today, none of these guys would get into the fraternity because they're all a bunch of fuck-ups. This guy is a goddamned ray of sunshine. The pledges are broken up at the thought of riding on two buses with the brothers. On one bus are Steve, Paul, and Alex; on the other bus are Jarreau, Earl, and Tim. I'm not telling you this for any specific reasons; it's just that this was one of the few things said in the entire thirty minutes that wasn't deconstructed by the censors, and I was able to comprehend what was going on.

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Fraternity Life

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