Freaks & Geeks
The Diary

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The Diary

It is the middle of the day and Mom and Dad Weir are snooping in Lindsay's room. Mom is reluctant to do it but Dad says that they need to find out if Lindsay is turning into a junkie or a hooker. Mom says that Lindsay is not a hooker. Dad asserts that everyone has to have parents -- even hookers -- and as proof, he cites a made-for-television movie they saw. I'm wondering if Linda Purl was in that one. While rifling through Lindsay's night table, Dad finds some stamps and mentions to Mom that he heard that kids put LSD on the back of them. Over at the bookshelf, Mom wistfully says, "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" Dad doesn't know what she's talking so she explains that it is a book title. Hey, nice shout-out to me! Dad finds a round sewing kit which he mistakes for birth control pills. Knot sew, Dad. Ahem, I guess he thinks it looks like the Ortho Novum DialaPak. Back in 1980, after school and on weekends I worked in a pharmacy that was located in a medical centre. It was actually really awkward knowing which of my classmates were taking the Pill, or picking up other more embarrassing prescriptions. Mom eventually finds the diary in Lindsay's desk drawer and hesitates opening it. Dad insists that they read it, so Mom reads aloud the warning Lindsay has written in the front of it. It's the standard diary warning accusing the reader of having no life, and threatening a slow and painful death if he or she continues past the warning. Joe Flaherty breaks out his Count Floyd imitation, which was oft repeated by everyone in my high school in 1980, and says, "Oooh, really scary. Read on!" Mom scans a few pages and Dad demands to know what it says about Kim. Mom is so cute. She says that Lindsay thinks that Kim has balls, except that Mom won't say "balls," she says, "a different word for 'courage.'" Dad brushes that off and asks what she says about "drugs, pot, acid." Mom reads Lindsay's version of a typical teen-angst diary entry, which describes her hatred for her suburban life full of "scared robots" and cites her parents as the worst offenders. Dad doesn't understand it but since he was never a teenaged suburban girl, it is no big surprise. It seems that Lindsay also thinks that her parents are the "most repressed people on the face of the earth," and she wonders how robots could be in love. She describes their daily routine as monotonous and their meals as all being the same. She characterizes her father as barking, fascist dictator "who is scared his uh, uh, penis will fall off if he ever helps clear the table." The final sentence that Mom reads is, "I love them but it's not the life for me." Mom and Dad are speechless.

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Freaks & Geeks

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