Subject: Coelacanth This!

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A slightly battered Derek is sitting at his computer, in a wifebeater, narrating the story. Am I supposed to get excited by Ethan Embry in a tank top? Because, as readers of my Real World recaps will know, I have rules about men in tank tops. Only when sleeping or working out. And the working out is iffy. I mean, if you're playing basketball or some other activity where it will help you keep cool, then fine. But if you're going on the treadmill or something at the local Y, just wear a t-shirt. Trust me, women find them more attractive. Anyway, Derek says that the girl's name was Cassie, and she told them that something had attacked the car and taken her boyfriend, Brandon. So, while Chloe tried to calm Cassie down, Jason and Derek searched the woods to no avail, and when the sun came up, they took Cassie to get some help.

The truck drives by a sign telling us they are in the town of Owensmouth, Georgia. Derek parks the truck and runs into a local diner, proclaiming, "There's been an accident!" The locals just look at him, like, "And?" Oh, how I love the portrayal of small-town residents (particularly those in the Southern United States) as mouth-breathing, slack-jawed yokels. It's so original, so fresh, so...none of those things at all. It's lame, and unfunny. I swear to God, if at any time straight men dress in drag for comedic value, I'm quitting this show. That is my other non-comedic pet peeve, and based on the episodes so far, I see it coming. Derek narrates that the locals were "a little slow on the uptake," but the town itself was bothering Chloe more.

Back in the diner, Chloe asks about the name of the town again, and says it seems familiar. Cassie's father comes in, followed by the town sheriff. The father thanks the Freakylinks gang for saving Cassie. Derek quietly asks the sheriff about Brandon, and the sheriff says they found him, "not far from the vehicle." Derek asks if Brandon is okay, since Cassie thought something got him, and the sheriff chuckles, "Yeah, a bottle of Jim Beam." Derek isn't quite satisfied with that explanation, and the sheriff allows that they have "a bit of a bear problem." Cassie hears this and screams, "It wasn't a bear!" Her father gently leads her out, and couldn't someone give the poor girl a coat or a blanket or something? She's probably in shock, not to mention bloody, and they're making her sit in the diner in her soaking wet slip. Nice. As soon as Cassie is out of earshot, Derek is questioning the sheriff again, but the sheriff is still sticking to the bear story, saying that Cassie was in shock. Like I said. The sheriff wants to know what they were doing in the woods, and Derek explains that they got lost. The sheriff gives them directions back to the interstate, and tells them to "have a safe trip." In other woods, beat it.

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