Subject: Coelacanth This!

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Back in front of his computer, Derek makes a bad joke about running out of time. Go put on a shirt, Derek.

The kids are hauling tail out of the woods (they think) as Chloe tries to make a call on the cell phone, and Jason and Derek argue about which way the car is. Why do I feel this sense of déjà vu? It's almost like I saw this same exact scene, except in black and white, in a movie theater a little over a year ago. And wouldn't it be funny if there were a sequel to said movie coming out, oh, say this weekend? Just before Jason announces that he kicked the map into the creek, Derek yells, "Jason, look out!" and the camera drops to the ground. An angry man with a shotgun faces them down, picks up their cell phone off the ground, and tells them they shouldn't be out there. Derek explains that they were on their way out. Angry Man with Shotgun says they were headed the wrong way, and tells them to get in their car and go, or they'll "end up like that boy back there." Then he shows how angry he truly is -- he slams their cell phone closed. Ooh! The anger! The raw tension! Derek stutters okay, and Angry Man with Shotgun stalks off.

A coroner type carries Brandon's arm (in a plastic bag) over to a hearse. Derek, Jason, and Chloe observe. Chloe points out that the sheriff wants it all to go away. The sheriff walks over and says he thought they were leaving that morning. Derek says something about Brandon not really "sleeping it off." The sheriff claims that he was "trying to protect Cassie," and that they have "a nature situation." Derek demands that the sheriff "tell [them] what's going on." Who is he to demand anything? The sheriff says, "What's going on is I got a dead boy, and a town full of bored beer-drinkers who've decided that hunting down a killer bear is their sole purpose in life." Derek asks how the arm got in the tree, and the sheriff says it was probably a cougar. Derek gets even more suspicious (and we know this because Ethan Embry raised his eyebrows a quarter of an inch), and asks if they have a cougar problem now, too. The sheriff says coolly, "And deer. It's called the food chain. You ever hear of it?" Ooh, burn. Derek grills him about Angry Man with Shotgun. The sheriff reveals Angry Man's name to be "Joe Lockhart," and claims he's a good man. Derek continues to push his luck and asks about "ancient evil" in the woods. The sheriff scoffs and asks them to do him a favor by getting out of his town, or he'll have to "arrest [them] just for pissing [him] off." Chloe scoffs her own self, saying that it's "a free country." I hate when people use that excuse to be annoying. The sheriff replies, "This ain't the country, Miss. It's Owensmouth." Oh, for crying out loud. I wrote better dialogue than that for my second-grade play, entitled, "The Wheels on the Bus." As you might guess, they mainly went round and round. The sheriff walks away, and the actors break character for a moment and laugh at the cheesy dialogue. Oh, wait, I guess that was supposed to be the characters laughing at the sheriff. Chloe says she wants a library. Derek says he wants to get a look at what's left of Brandon. Jason says he wants to call his agent. Oh, actually he called Derek "a sick and disgusting man" for wanting to put pictures of "that chewed-up arm" on the website.

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