Subject: Coelacanth This!

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Back at his computer, Derek wonders how to go to "the local bone yard" and "get the goods and get out." Also, they can't arouse suspicion or wind up in jail, so he needed "two Oscar-caliber performances." He didn't add the ™ after Oscar, by the way. I think someone from the Academy will be shutting down his website tomorrow.

Cut to a funeral home. Derek and Jason are seated in big wing chairs. Jason is pretending to cry. Creepy Funeral Home Director is all lit from below, to make him look even creepier. Plus, he's wearing a bow tie, which is just plain wrong. It comes out that Jason is pretending to be one "John Shaft" who is looking to make arrangements for his recently-deceased "Grandma Tillie." Wow, good one. Derek asks to use the restroom. Jason fake-cries poorly.

Instead of the restroom, Derek has gone (with camera) to the...well, body preparation room. He closes in on some old dead dude for no apparent reason. Then, he finds a drawer in the cold storage area with Brandon's name on it. He pulls out the drawer to reveal just the arm, in a bag. He can't get a good shot through the plastic, so he pulls out the arm (using only one hand, since the other is holding the camera), and then gets a close-up (and disgusting) shot of the arm.

Just as the funeral director is talking about going to find Derek, he shows up and tells "John" that they have to leave immediately, because he won't allow Grandma Tillie to be buried by a place that doesn't have toilet-seat covers. They leave. I yawn. Not for the first time during this episode, and certainly not for the last.

Lan is talking Derek through the transmission of the severed-arm picture via laptop and cell phone. Turns out he didn't have the cell phone on. Oops. The picture shows up on Lan's computer (and I'm not even going to get into how unrealistic the transmission speed was), and she asks what she's supposed to do with it. Derek tells her to take the picture to the animal guy at the zoo, and ask him if it looks like a bear bite. If not, get his best guess as to what might have done it. Good thing that most zoos would only have one "animal guy." Except that they wouldn't. Before they hang up, Lan warns Derek to be careful. Because she looooooves him!

Chloe is in the library, reading a story about a boy who was missing in the woods. The boy was named Ezekiel Lockhart -- and Angry Man with Shotgun was Joe Lockhart. Get it? The next story says that a bear attack is suspected, and the next one says that the boy's remains were finally found, and the father grieved. Not that I would expect better in a town the size of Owensmouth, but the headline reads, "Remains of Missing Boy Finally Found" and the subhead is, "Father Grieves." First of all, "Finally?" And that subhead sucks. But of course, it is not any ordinary subhead. It is the Subhead of Plot Advancement.

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