Subject: Coelacanth This!

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Derek and Jason are walking down the street, discussing the footage they have. Chloe comes out of the library and makes a lame Highlights joke about the library before spilling that Owensmouth has a history of violence in the woods every thirty years or so, and it dates back to when the town was founded. Derek doesn't think the "every thirty years" part jibes with the "bears protecting their young" part. Chloe tells them about the last attacks, in 1973, when Joe Lockhart's son was killed "in the deepest, darkest part of the forest." She also has Joe Lockhart's address, and it turns out that he lives in "the woods. The deepest, darkest part." Is that his actual address? Like: Joe Lockhart, 275 Main Street, Deepest-Darkest-Part-of-the-Woods, Georgia? What's the zip code there, anyway?

Lan is meeting up with the one animal guy at the zoo. Lan starts to explain about the picture. One Animal Guy is all, "You look great," and complimenting her and checking her out. Lan gets all uncomfortable. One Animal Guy tries to ask her out but gets nowhere, so he says he'll call her as soon as he can. She starts to leave, but he walks after her, emphasizing that he has "a real job." Yeah! He's the only animal guy in the entire zoo! Lan gets all defensive and says that "running a website is a real job." That's what Wing Chun says to me all the time! I still don't believe it. Kidding! ["You're not kidding. Sob!" -- Wing Chun] One Animal Guy apologizes. Lan walks away and he totally checks out her ass, and then looks at the pictures. Except for the obnoxious job bragging, he was pretty cute. Definitely cuter than Derek.

Derek, Jason, and Chloe are hiding out at Joe Lockhart's place. It doesn't look all that dark to me. If that's the darkest part of the woods, the rest of it must be like the Sahara Desert or something. Lockhart pulls up and Derek calls out to him, asking if he'll talk to them. He tells them to stay down, and we immediately find out this is because there is a giant bear behind them. Yikes! Cut to Derek talking into the computer, saying that you're supposed to stay calm when something like this happens, and not run. Cut back to the Freakylinks gang running, not calmly, closely followed by a bear. They dive into the back of Lockhart's truck as he shoots the bear with his shotgun. Aw. The poor bear. Fox could have saved themselves the trouble of canceling this mess in a few weeks by just having them all get chewed up right there.

Derek narrates into the computer a long, nonsensical rambling about how scary it is when a dog chases you, and how being chased by the bear was a thousand times scarier. Whatever, dude. We were there. Cut to the three plus Lockhart in a barn, and the kids are all contemplating small glasses of liquid. Cut back to Derek narrating that he drinks "whisky, not turpentine or whatever that crap was." Cut back to Derek, in the barn, putting his glass down. Chloe drains hers. Jason...oh, no one cares. Derek asks if that was the bear that killed Brandon. Yeah, it's the one bear in the entire woods, just like there's one animal guy in the zoo, and one viewer of this show and one more week until it gets cancelled. Jason says that they know about his son, and Derek says, "it wasn't a bear back then either." Lockhart just looks at them and walks away, much like the head of Fox programming should have done when this show was proposed. Chloe calls their attention to a large quantity of dynamite sitting nearby. Lockhart calls them over, angrily. The gang look at one another warily and then go over. Lockhart orders them to "pull that tarp off" to find "the answer [they've] been looking for." Is it a crop of new writers? No, it's a totem pole. Chloe says that it's "Thunderbird, a Native American legend." Apparently, flapping its wings caused thunder, and lightning came from its eyes. And my mom always told me it was God, rearranging the furniture.

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