Tami is pissed in the way that parents of bad teens can only be pissed. She spits into the phone, "Jules? This is your mother, it's past two o'clock in the morning and you had best call me as fast as you can."
Over at The Swede's, Julie is getting some firsthand experience in how ridiculously stupid stoned people are. And, just like any sixteen-year-old worth her salt, experience with wanting to be just as stupid as them. The Swede declares that "vampires are real" and that the moon is not. The girls giggle in the face of such imaginative prowess. Girls, if you think that is clever, wait until they start wondering whether or not the whole universe can fit onto the head of a tiny piece of rice. A joint is getting passed around while another guy posits that there's only one world government, and Al Gore is the commisar of it all, and The Swede makes a timely-for-2003 comment on how iPods have a mind of their own. Julie chews on her lips, and at first I thought she was just thinking to herself how sweaty and gross and dull all these idiots are, but actually it turns out she's just thinking hard on how and when to jump into the Drum Circle of Dumb. She passes on the joint and then jumps in: "Then there's the whole 'global warming' thing which is just a big, giant illusion created by the EPA who are out there strangling polar bears with their bare hands." Wait, what is this game? I clearly don't understand it, because as she was going on I thought, "Oh, no, she's showing how young she is because what she is saying sounds like something her parents would say, and twentysomethings are definitely NOT into what parents say." But then they all laugh and laugh at her comment, and The Swede looks longingly at her like she's a novelty gas station attendant shirt he just unearthed at the local thrift shop. So then I think, "Oh, maybe they were cataloguing various, weird things Ann Coulter has said." But I don't think Ann Coulter has commented much on iPods, so, honestly I don't know what this game is these kids are playing. Clearly I need to roll a joint and soon if I ever want to know.
Julie and The Swede are making out big-time in his van. Tami catches sight of them and runs out to the van in her robe. She bangs on the window, her eyes glowing like a tigress's, and shouts, "Get in the house right now!" Julie refuses and begs The Swede to take her somewhere. The Swede realizes he's caught between a minor and her mother (much worse than a rock and a hard place) and tells her he can't, "that's kidnapping." He neglects to specify "emphasis on the 'kid'." Julie and her mom are both rapidly spinning out of control. Julie yells that she's not getting out, and Tami opens the door and starts dragging her out of the van by her leg. Julie is shrieking now, "What are you DOING?!?" Tami gets her daughter out of the van and yells at her that she is not grown up yet, not rid of her yet. Julie yells "Go to hell!" and Tami opens up an arm and slaps the asshole straight across her face. They pause, realizing how far over the edge they both are, until Julie dramatically puts a hand to her slapped cheek and cries, "You got rid of me when you had Gracie and Dad left. You need to learn to live with that." Tami looks sincerely effed and guilty over what she just did, but I'm here to tell her that I remember all too well how very calculated were my dramatic teen declarations about various wrongs my parents had done me. Don't beat yourself up so much, Tami. Reserve the fists for your teenaged daughter. Ba dum dum.