For about the first forty-five minutes, itâs depresso downer time. Jason doesnât make the Quad Rugby team, Herc is mean to him about it, and he accepts a ride home from Susie, who he ends up smooching at Stonehenge II. Julie is giving her parents the eyeroll treatment because theyâve told her that theyâre all moving to Austin when Coach accepts the offer from TMU, and she does. Not. Want. To. Go. Waverly and Smash get a few exposition-heavy scenes in order to remind us that sheâs bipolar. (And you know you are deep in a teen soap when âbipolarâ is only a blip on the melodrama scale). Tami tries to get Angela to sack up and be a good mom to Tyra by encouraging her girl to try to get in to college, but Angela would rather drag her daughter around to get pedicures. Buddy thinks making a photo album will convince his wife to forgive and forget, but it doesnât, and instead causes his wife to let the cat out of the bag in front of Lyla that Buddy has cheated on her throughout their whole marriage. Lyla, meanwhile, confronts Jason over whether he really wants to be engaged to her and, frankly, it doesnât look good. And Tim makes a move on his older lady neighbor who acts shocked and pushes him away.
But just when you thought you couldnât be more depressed, the most wonderful thing happens. The boys â Matt, Smash, Tim, and Jason â reunite on the football field. Only this time itâs night and theyâre drunk and itâs all quite awesome. And then you go to the father-daughter dance with Coach and Julie, who despite trying her very hardest to rebel and be a teen is simply putty in her charming and loving and perfect fatherâs hands, and they dance and smile, and Angela and Tyra show up to the dance in a loopy but endearing display of family solidarity, and Tim and Old Lady start to do it, and Lyla calmly goes to her fatherâs car dealership and fucks shit up violent style, and Coach calls TMU and says he canât accept their offer quite yet, he needs some more time to decide.
Tami is reading real estate listings and oohing and ahhing over a "turn of the century" with original floors. She winces, "Needs a little work." Coach wonders "turn of what century?" while Tami continues rattling off all the things they need to do before moving -- hiring a broker, putting the house on the market, finding a new job for her. Julie walks in behind her and they clam up, but not before Julie overhears them and launches straight into Teen Red Alert mode -- shrilly declaring that she is not going, she is NOT going, she isn't going. Coach tells her she can't tell anyone, especially not Matt, and she storms off. Tami calls after her that she needs to try on a dress "for the father-daughter dance" and barely thirty seconds in, I'm out of my seat pacing in anticipation of the perfection.
Austin. Quad rugby. Yawn. Jason wheels around real fast, tosses a ball around, slams into various surfaces, et cetera. Horrifying guitar licks in the background indicate that this whole thing is Kool. Tattoo Girl is watching the game from the sidelines, because, well, because I have no idea why someone would go watch quad rugby tryouts. Although I guess I don't have too many athletic friends, so my comparison is, like, going to watch my friend at a job talk or something. One of the coaches tells Jason he's playing well. Jason laps up the praise like he's a Schnauzer on Puppy Bowl.
Cut to an empty gym where a line of coaches sits at a table. Jason wheels in front of them, and though he gets lots of positive feedback, he's told that he didn't make the team and won't be going to Beijing. Hallelujah! I never thought I'd say this -- well I never thought I'd say this without a hangover -- but thank god we're leaving Austin.
Uninspiring credits. Whoops, we haven't left Austin yet. Oh well, I guess another Shiner won't kill me. Jason, Herc, and company are hanging out. Tattoo Girl seems kind of drunk as she tells Jason she's sorry he didn't make the team. Herc rolls over, all set for some "Wooo!"-ing, but Jason is being a downer. Herc calls him "depressing guy" and I feel kind of silly for having spent so many hours typing so many words about Jason the past few episodes when, really, "Depressing Guy" would have done just fine. Herc patronizes Jason a bit, telling him that the coach loves him. Jason gets bitchy and tells Herc that everyone knows Jason was the best athlete on the court, but that he didn't get picked because the other guys make up, basically, a Quad Rugby In-Crowd. Herc comes back at Jason, telling him that he has a "truly spectacular ego." Tattoo Girl reminds us of her presence as she tells Herc to lay off. Herc continues, saying that Jason may have the most raw talent, but he didn't make the team because he isn't comfortable in a chair.