Commercials. Football. Larrabee scores, and when it's Panther offense time, Smash chokes on a simple running play. Then he chokes on a simple passing play. Then Riggins, at least, gets a few yards. Then Smash chokes on a simple reverse. The whole time, Shady Grady frowns on the sidelines and the Panthers -- as usual -- are losing at the half.

Not that I'd ever want it to be different, because where else do I get my televisual fix of sweaty men yelling at even sweatier young men? I mean, besides The Duel ["Go Tina and Kenny! Wait, they're out. Go Evan! Go Robin!" -- Joe R]. Surprisingly enough, Coach Taylor's hair is like, "I can handle this," and he pulls Smash aside to yell at him in private about reading blocks and hitting gaps. Smash is stuttering and staring and totally fearful, and Coach Taylor knows what it's all about: "It's that guy out there with the damn clipboard. Well you don't play for UT, you play for me!" Then he threatens Smash that if he doesn't shape up, he's going to make some changes out there. Smash stutters and stares some more. Poor kid.

Back out on the field...hey, wait! We totally missed Homecoming Queen! Stupid boys. So, on the field, guess what? More football. Whatevs. Smash continues to choke big time. Panthers losing 17-0. Taylor calls for Tim Riggins on the sidelines and things start picking up, as Riggins fulfills the PSA for tonight by showing how good at football you can be if only YOU STOP DRINKING. Football football football. Tim Riggins keeps doing great. Scores a touchdown. Football football football. And it appears that Tim Riggins is SO good that he prevents the other team from even having a chance at offense! So Tim Riggins just keeps scoring like forty-two times. But just when you thought you could be happy, they really rev up the dramatic drum kit as the kids go celebrating into the locker room, so you know you have to be sad because this is just not going to turn out well for Smash "Maybe I Am A Bit Too Small" Williams. This show. Can't be happy when they lose. Can't be happy when they win.