In Football Town, Coach isn't receiving his full salary and it isn't looking like he'll see that money anytime soon, despite Buddy's (false) promises. For the time being and for extra money he takes on the additional title of "Athletic Director," which Buddy promises is a "gravy train" but turns out to be a position beset by requests from crazy Title IX feminist soccer chicks. Tim Riggins is off the team for missing practices while off having his Mexican Threesome with Jason and Lyla. Despite Smash and the other player's begging Coach Taylor to reinstate Tim, Eric isn't budging. Smash advises Tim to show Coach some of the heart we all know he has, so Tim decides to begin football mentoring Santiago -- Lyla's Latino Project -- who Buddy Garrity has proposed would make a good replacement for Tim. Jason turns nineteen and celebrates in the most depressing way possible: by watching footage of himself playing football before his injury. After talking with Lyla, he realizes that he needs to change something about his life, and so he quits the Panthers and coaching for now. Coach accepts his decision and they have another extremely quality moment together.
In Non-Football Town, Tami's sister comes to visit and generally makes herself a lovable nuisance, like little sisters do. Shelly is well-traveled, adventurous, and sassy; Julie loves her, and she loves to make Tami feel a little dowdy for living in Dillon. But as irritated as Tami gets at her sister, Shelly is there for Tami to lean on when the latter confesses to being in complete shock over the prospect of having to parent for twenty odd more years. Julie apologizes to Matt and truly looks like she regrets everything, until she sees him making out with some other girl and then she just looks pissed.
And in Non-Football Murder Town, Landry's dad puts two and two together when he hears that they found fibers on the dead guy from a car of the same make that Landry drives. He solicits a confession from Landry and then they drive out to the middle of nowhere and set the car on fire, Landry's dad asking for God's forgiveness the whole while. Wow.
Also, did anyone else notice that when Tyra took Julie under her wing after Julie saw Matt making out that she suggested that they gorge themselves on sweets while watching Thelma and Louise? Run away as fast as you can, Julie! Before you find yourself beating someone to death!
We reach new heights of meta with this episode's head-scratchy title, "How Did I Get Here?" It's a question that begs the answer, "It was all just a melodramatic, murderous dream!"
Hopefully NOT a dream is Jason, Tim, and Lyla's Mexican Threesome. We open on them driving back to Dillon in Jason's truck, all looking quite exhausted from their, ahem, exploits. Jason mutters that he's turning nineteen that week and Tim wonders what he got his friend for his birthday last year. Jason reminds him that he didn't give him anything last year, and in fact hasn't given him anything since the time Tim gave him Billy's pool cue. Hmmm. Tim gave Jason a pool cue? That's what she said! Lyla laughs sensuously, remembering the pool cue incident. Jason is depressed to be turning nineteen in Dillon and wonders what he's doing with his life.
At the Taylors', Eric bitches at Julie about doing some chores to help her mother out. Tami comes flouncing into the kitchen wearing a cute black jersey dress and cowboy boots. Favorite outfit ever! Tami is really ramped up, going on and on about how typical it is that her sister's late, that she could have come in a day early to help Tami out on her first day back at work, away from Gracie. But no, "She's always in her own head, in her own headspace." Tami gets distracted when she opens the mail and finds something worrisome about Eric's first paycheck. He comes over to take a look and says that the amount is half what it is supposed to be. Tami wonders what he decided with Buddy and Eric stutters, making it clear that he didn't talk turkey with that turkey. Tami scolds her husband that you can't just "assume" anything about salary when the doorbell rings and she jumps into the air like her ass is on fire, "She's here! She's here!" So cute and so, so family. Her sister drives her nuts but the minute the doorbell rings she's all OMG BFF!!!111!!!
Tami opens the door on a slightly younger but definitely less hot woman with long, blonde hair. ["Jessalyn Gilsig, of Boston Public, Nip/Tuck, and Heroes fame." -- Joe R] Hotness differentials aside, these two must have tore it up in high school. They jump into one another's arms and screech and holler. Tami's sister steps back and tells Tami she looks good. Tami sort of curtsies and fidgets and tells her that, no, she looks like a cow and then asks, "Do you think my ass got wider, with this baby?" Her sister turns her around and pats her rear and then declares "Naw, you could bounce a quarter off that ass." The ladies walk into the kitchen, where Tami's sister goes straight to Grace. Tami's smile is as wide as her ass is not as she tells Eric what Shelly told her about her behind; Eric chuckles and says she could bounce all sorts of things off it. Heh. But Eric's colorful remark is uttered in "human," whereas Tami and Shelly and the elated Julie who enters the scene are speaking in "loose fan belt." Julie is so happy to see her Aunt Shelly. Aunt Shelly takes one look at Julie and declares that she must be driving the boys crazy, that she is "hott." Eric and Tami get tight-smiled at this remark, and their smiles only get tighter as Shelly proceeds to then declare that they need to use cloth diapers rather than disposable (Tami, muttering: "We don't have time for all the laundry") and then catches sight of Eric's paycheck and guffaws. "I can't believe I spent so much time being jealous of you, I make this much teaching preschool!" Tami mutters some more about the paycheck being a mistake, and then as Eric leaves tells him about fifty times that he needs to "get that taken care of."